Question

I want my boyfriend to love me more than I do him and to be always honest with me even when we're not together. But I don't feel he just needs only me. So what can I do? I love him so much. I don't want to lose him. Please help me.


Answer

It sounds to me that you are not looking at this relationship realistically. You are seeing what you want it to be and not as it actually is. When people do that, they try to force things to go the way they want it to go, forgetting that the other person has their own desires and their own choices. Forcing a relationship doesn't work.

Either your boyfriend loves you or he doesn't. You can't make him love you.

Because you are not looking at things honestly, you can be easily tempted to do things you should not. It is easy to tell yourself that if you give him more passion or even sex that he'll be convinced to stay. The problem is that sexual desire in women arises from their emotional attachment to a man, but in men sexual desire is a physical need. Women fool themselves into thinking that a man must be in love with them if they have sex with them. But for men sex is something you do. Emotions can make it better, but it is not required.

A good illustration of this is Dinah and Shechem. "Now Dinah the daughter of Leah, whom she had borne to Jacob, went out to see the daughters of the land. And when Shechem the son of Hamor the Hivite, prince of the country, saw her, he took her and lay with her, and violated her. His soul was strongly attracted to Dinah the daughter of Jacob, and he loved the young woman and spoke kindly to the young woman" (Genesis 34:1-3). The point I want you to notice is that Shechem did not fall in love with Dinah until after they had sex. The sex did not make him fall in love. He was able to have sex without being in love with Dinah. It was only later that he decided he loved Dinah. It could have just as easily gone the other way.

If you two are going to be husband and wife, then it is a decision that two people have to make. You can't make it for him. Focus on being a good friend and someone he wants to be with. If that is not enough, then this isn't the man for you.

Thank you very much for your good advice, but my boyfriend and I never had sex because we're still young. Now I live so far from him. I always worry and am curious, even though he usually visits and helps my grandmother who lives alone in my hometown. I just wonder if he loves me, why doesn't he say that he loves me?

I'm glad you haven't had sex. What I'm trying to warn you is that you may be tempted to go down the wrong path in trying to make something happen.

I don't know why your boyfriend doesn't say he loves you. Boys tend to be straight forward, which throw girls off because they are looking for something subtle that isn't there. It could be that he doesn't love you as much as you love him; therefore, he won't say something that he doesn't think is true. It could be that he thinks his actions are sufficient to show his love, so he doesn't have to say anything. The only way to find out is ask a simple question and listen to what he actually says (not looking for what you want to hear).