I'm a 14 year old female. I consider myself a Christian, but sometimes I have my doubts. I'm just going to come out and say it. I masturbate. I watch pornography which I know is really wrong because its a huge sin for them to be doing that, but for me to be watching it and getting sexually aroused from it, I find that, and me, disgusting. Every time after I do it, I feel so deeply sick and guilty. The first time I did it, I promised God I would never do it again. But the next day I found temptation took over and I ended up doing it again. I promised God again I would try not to do it, and I prayed for forgiveness again, but yet again temptation took over. It's gotten to the point where every other week I'm doing it every day. Every other week I'm at my mom's. I find I only do it at my mom's.
I feel like I'm hiding now. Like I don't want to face God and pray for forgiveness again because I feel like He is disgusted with me and that I'm dead to Him because I've broken my promise so many times. I don't know what to do, or what to say to Him.
I asked Him to cleanse me and my room because I now feel depressed in my room from watching porn and masturbating in it. I just feel like I don't deserve to be a Christian or be blessed and forgiven anymore.
I know I can't take back what I did or saw, but I want His forgiveness and love. And now I feel like I will never get that back. I also feel like He is going to punish me for what I've done. Does He punish?
I apologize for this question being so long, I just feel like I needed to get that out and needed someone to talk to rather than face-to-face because I think people, like my mom, will be disgusted with me.
Thank you for your time, if you read this. And hopefully there is another chance that He will forgive me.
You seem to know a lot about what God is feeling, but really all I see is a young girl taking her own feelings about herself and attributing them to God. God doesn't look at sin or sinners the way we do. "Seek the LORD while He may be found, Call upon Him while He is near. Let the wicked forsake his way, And the unrighteous man his thoughts; Let him return to the LORD, And He will have mercy on him; And to our God, For He will abundantly pardon. "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways," says the LORD. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts"" (Isaiah 55:6-9). God always forgives those who repent of their sins (I John 1:9). The problem isn't with God, it is with you. You want God to clean you up, but this is backwards. You need to change yourself and come back to God.
Females don't have a biological need for masturbation. There is a strong desire for sexual stimulation, but there is no requirement as there is with needing to drink, to eat, or to relieve yourself. Masturbation is simply done to pursue sexual pleasure. Your use of pornography shows the same problem you are chasing after sexual pleasure. What is missing is why.
Orgasm does give a temporary elevation in mood, and you mention that you only do this when you are living with your mom. So what is it about living with your mom that you find depressing on a daily basis? If you can pinpoint the cause, you can then find better ways to improve your mood that doesn't involve sinful lust. "For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God" (I Thessalonians 4:3-5).
I get the impression that your approach to Christianity is much the same. You focus on the feelings but you never actually dedicate yourself to being a Christian. See: Evidence of Pardon: How Can I Know I Am Saved? and How to Become a Christian.
Rather than sitting back and feeling helpless, be more active it preventing sin. Work on the cause that gets you in the mood to sin and also make it harder for you to do sinful things. Add blocks to the ways you are accessing pornography, such as with K9 or OpenDNS.
Thanks so much for taking the time to answer! I'll try to become more of a Christian. It's just sometimes hard because none of my friends are, but I'll block innapropriate sites and try to restrict myself from bad movies. Thanks again so much!
Christianity has to start somewhere, and what better place than to start with you?