Question

Good day,

My question is that a boy in my new school kept looking at me and passing side comments, but I didn't really take it into consideration because I didn't know his name and I was new. Plus I try not to make the issue of boys too seriously now cause I'm 16. Then he friended me on Facebook, but I didn't respond because I was unsure about it, and I didn't want any distractions from my academics. He sent me a message, and I felt if I accepted his request, I'd have to reply to the message so I decided to wait. A few months later, I accepted because it was spring break and he messaged me again. We started talking and he asked me for personal details like my phone number and Skype, but I said no because I felt it wasn't necessary.

Eventually, he told me it would be better if I gave him my Skype name because we could video chat, etc but I still insisted that it's not convenient for me. Plus I didn't see any problem with talking via Facebook. He then asked "Why?" He didn't understand, and he didn't think I'm making sense. I then got angry and told that if he can't understand that I'm not comfortable giving my personal details to someone I've known for a few days, then fine. And he never replied.

I didn't feel bad but my friends say I was too harsh, but I was being put under pressure, and I just snapped. Months past and he still didn't reply, and I can't help but wonder why. I believe I did the right thing (if I didn't, please correct me) but I just want to know why he didn't reply but at school he still looks at me, it's all confusing. I don't want to seem naive, but I thought he wanted to be friends but I guess he had different intentions. What can I do in this situation?

I have spoken to God, and I feel I'm better off without him but I can't help but wonder why.

Thanks


Answer

The boy was too pushy. That isn't too unusual, boys tend to be direct and straight to point. It doesn't make it right, but it is a part of most boys' make up. However, how you handled it was in a typical female fashion that leaves boys totally confused.

You saw this as an invasion of privacy, so you gave no response. But that means the boy is left guessing what you meant by no answer. Boys are horrible at such games. Perhaps he concluded you were just shy. You eventually did respond, but again he was going too fast and you gave silence as your answer which again told him nothing.

Like I said, boys tend to be direct, so he ask you why you weren't answering or willing to talk to him on Skype. And you snapped. "So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God" (James 1:19-20). You at least finally told him why, but you also hurt his feelings and he still doesn't know where he stands with you. Being angry isn't a good excuse for losing control.

You can't treat boys the way you treat your girl friends. Boys have an awful time picking up subtle clues because they are not wired to detect them like girls are. Don't expect any boy to understand what you mean when you don't say anything. All of this could have been avoided by a pleasant but direct statements:

  • "Thank you for asking me to be a friend on Facebook, but I don't know you yet. I'm going to wait a while before I make up my mind because I need to focus on my school work and I can't afford to be distracted by boys."
  • "I'm careful about my privacy. I don't give out things like my phone number or Skype id, even to friends."
  • "If chatting on Facebook isn't good enough for you right now, then you'll need to find someone else. I like to develop my friendships slowly."

He may not agree with what you say, but at least he isn't left confused or making up things in his head about you that is more to his liking.

Overall, I'll trust your instincts. He was too pushy and he might have been hoping to push the relationship fast and far because you were new and he thought he would have less competition if he was first. But keep in mind that your silence is not communication to others, especially to boys.

Thank you, Mr. Hamilton, for replying.

Although I did get angry, I didn't feel what I said was wrong because I was straight to the point and that was all I said. But i had told him previously that giving my details wasn't necessary. Isn't that enough? It's probably because I'm used to handling things like this when it comes to boys in a similar fashion. I will first off admit that I was shy because he is really attractive and I didn't want to get too carried away. Second, I don't like giving too much details to someone so early. Based on the possible answers I could have given him, do I have to be so open with him like that? I felt that if we spoke more in person instead of him relying on social networks then just maybe I wouldn't have felt rushed.

After the incident, I heard some rumors (they could possibly be true/false) that he "gets around" with a lot of girls, and whenever I hear people talk about him, it's not exactly positive. Personally, I don't believe it's right to judge someone based on other people's opinion but the trends of rumors have been similar. I'd rather see for myself, but I doubt this would be possible with the situation at hand or he'd get over it, right?

Honestly, when I hear these things about him, I just feel that God didn't want me to come in contact with such a person, but I think that would be accepting what the rumors say about him and that is judging even before I know who he really is. What do you think?

Thank you

As I mentioned before, I trust your instincts. I'm merely pointing out ways to make communication smoother, clearer and less annoying. You did get to the point, but only after delaying. It is the delay that caused the largest break down in communications. Even when you said it wasn't necessary to give out details, the wording leaves open that while not necessary, it could be done. As mentioned before, direct is better. A simple "I make it a rule not to give out personal information until I know a person well," or something similarly blunt with no wiggle room in the meaning works better with boys.

The rushing of things does concern me about him. You can always spot a con man by his insistence on you making a quick decision. Such people rely on pressure to keep people from looking too deeply and to encourage them to make inaccurate decisions. It is very likely that he wanted to snag you as a girlfriend before you heard about his reputation. Or, as I pointed out before, guys are competitive, so he likely wanted first dibs on the new girl before any other guy got up the nerve to talk to you.

Jesus said, "Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment" (John 7:24). In other words, a fair and accurate judgment requires looking below just what you see on the surface. A man's reputation is an important consideration. You should not ignore the rumors. If something is noted by one person, well that can be true or false, but when there are multiple independent witnesses saying the same thing, then that establishes something that is very likely to be fact. "One witness shall not rise against a man concerning any iniquity or any sin that he commits; by the mouth of two or three witnesses the matter shall be established" (Deuteronomy 19:15).

There are many people who mistakenly think that it is more honorable not to make any judgment about any person. It comes from using a partial quote from Jesus taken out of context. "Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me remove the speck from your eye'; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye" (Matthew 7:1-5). Jesus is not saying do not make any judgment. He is saying be careful about your judgments because the standard you use against other people can be applied to you as well. He then tells people to first clean up their own lives before they start helping other people. But notice that in the helping of others, judgments are being made.

When people refuse to make judgments, they end up making stupid mistakes. "A prudent man foresees evil and hides himself, but the simple pass on and are punished" (Proverbs 22:3). God gave you the ability to make decisions for a reason.

What you did not know about this boy was whether he changed his behavior, up until he started pushing so hard. Now you know he is continuing his same pattern that he displayed in the past. You don't need to be his next conquest. I don't fault you for telling him "forget it." I'm a little concerned that you are trying to rebuild the bridge you tore down.

Thanks for the reply again.

I have no concern for rebuilding any bridge. I just wanted to know if I took things a little too far and know how to handle such situation in a more appropriate way. I know there's really nothing I can do. But thank you very much for the insight and advice. I really appreciate it. Now I know better.

Thank you.