Question

Hi,

I am a 19 year old Christian girl. I was born and raised in the church. I don't know where to start and I didn't really have anyone to talk to without being judged, so I thank God that He brought me to your web site!

Well, I have a boyfriend. We love each other very much. I don't even remember how it happened. He started touching me, and I loved it. Every time he touches my breasts or my back, it makes me go crazy! I can't help it; it just feels too good. Recently we even started dry humping and I loved it. It feels so good, and I don't want to stop. He grabs me everywhere, on top of my clothes of course because we can't have "sex" before marriage.

I come from a church where if the pastor finds this out, we will not be able to participate in church anymore and plus my father is a minister. I feel so bad. I have drawn away from God. I haven't felt His presence anymore. I don't cry and I don't feel like attending church anymore. I feel lonely and sad.

I love my boyfriend very much. He is very nice to me. The thought of losing him makes me very sad. Recently masturbation has also been taking part of this, along with sex pictures.

I really dont know how to get back on track. I was not like this and I am scared that God might not want me anymore. My biggest desire is to be with God for an eternity when He comes back for His people but right now if He comes right now, I know that I will not be a part of that. I am scared and I don't know what to do. I want that feeling back that feeling from God. I want to have that desire of praying and wanting to feel His presence more.

Sometimes I feel like "whatever," and that I should just have sex, party and do whatever I want to because I never did those things as I grew up in church all of my life. I feel so alone, sad, disgusting and nasty. I need help. Please help me.


Answer

Making decisions based on feeling is a sure way to trouble. ""He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, but whoever walks wisely will be delivered" (Proverbs 28:26). Your feelings can be manipulated, so they are not a sure guide.

So let's start with a fact. Having sex when you are not married is both a sin and a stupid move. To be sure, sex feels wonderful. In marriage it is a beautiful thing. "Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge" (Hebrews 13:4). But in marriage sex is taking place between two committed individuals who have entered a covenant for life with each other. Sex outside of marriage is nothing more that chasing after what feels good at the moment.

You are correct that you cannot be engaging in fornication and expect to get to heaven. "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God" (I Corinthians 6:9-10). If you understand this, then it should also make sense that the things leading up to sex are also wrong.

You have been engaged in sexual touching, which is also forbidden to unmarried couples. "Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman" (I Corinthians 7:1). Sexual touching rarely remains the only sin. Sexual sins have a way of progressing because a part of the appeal is the excitement, which wears off when a sin is repeated. Therefore, new sins are sought out.

If things progress further to intercourse, there will be little you can do to prevent it and you will not be able to claim it was unintentional. It is like walking along the very edge of a cliff and claiming you have no intentions of falling off. "Can a man take fire to his bosom, and his clothes not be burned? Can one walk on hot coals, and his feet not be seared? So is he who goes in to his neighbor's wife; Whoever touches her shall not be innocent" (Proverbs 6:27-29).

Solomon points out the problem when he asked, "Can a man take fire to his bosom, and his clothes not be burned?" (Proverbs 6:27). You can show a hot coal all the affection you want. You can cuddle it and dote on it and it will still burn you. Your kindness to it doesn't change its nature. How often do you hear someone say, "But I love him!" Solomon's point is that your feelings toward your boyfriend won't change the fact that both of you have built-in desires and capabilities for sex. Trigger them and they follow the instincts built into you.

Solomon also asked, "Can one walk on hot coals, and his feet not be seared?" (Proverbs 6:28). Using the same example of a hot coal, if you walk on it, it will burn you. You can apologize and say you didn't mean to step on it, but you'll still be hurt because your intentions doesn't change what it is. Thus, the excuse, "But I didn't mean for it to go this far!" becomes an empty one because your intentions don't change your body's drive.

That is why Solomon concludes, "So is he who goes in to his neighbor's wife; whoever touches her shall not be innocent" (Proverbs 6:29). Though he is talking directly about adultery, the same point is true about fornication. When you start intentionally stirring up sexual feelings, you are never innocent when thing go further than you wanted.

That is why we are told not to make room for lust and lewdness. "Let us walk properly, as in the day, not in revelry and drunkenness, not in lewdness and lust, not in strife and envy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts" (Romans 13:13-14). Lust is those thoughts and desires you keep battling about taking things even further. Lewdness is engaging in sexual foreplay that gets the body ready for intercourse. The Christian must recognize the danger and not start a sequence of events that can't be legitimately completed.

In reality you've already started down this road. Dry humping is a form of sexual foreplay, so you are into the realm of lewdness. You mentioned masturbation, but you aren't clear whether you are talking about personal masturbation or giving each other a hand-job. And you mentioned pornography and again I don't know if this is your private problem or if you are sending dirty pictures to each other.

However, I want you to think back about your relationship with this boy. Now that sex is entering the picture have you noticed that it now dominates everything you two do together? You have reached a point where you are beginning to think that the only reason he hangs around is because of the sexual play. That is why you fear to say "No." You fear he will leave if he doesn't get his sexual play. And I suspect you toy with the idea of giving completely in as a way of keeping him, though that never works.

You actually know what needs to be done, but you don't want to face reality. There is a reason God says, "You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your mind,' and 'your neighbor as yourself'" (Luke 10:27). I can't make you love God as you should. That is something only you can choose, but I encourage you to do so. Once you make that decision, all others decisions become easier. Loving the Lord means you aren't going to chase after sin. Therefore, that means you will be telling your boyfriend that he has to wait until marriage. He might leave over it, but it is better to find that out now than later.

But if you continue to avoid deciding or decide to give up, then of course you lose God. You can't wallow in sin and expect a relationship with God. "Behold, the LORD'S hand is not shortened, that it cannot save; nor His ear heavy, that it cannot hear. But your iniquities have separated you from your God; and your sins have hidden His face from you, so that He will not hear" (Isaiah 59:1-2).