I feel like a disgusting person. I am a girl and I masturbate about once a week. During Lent I would give up masturbating and watching porn and feel good that I accomplished this but when Lent is over I go straight back to it. The worst part is is that I watch gay porn. I feel disgusting and ashamed. I can't believe I let myself get to this. I believe in God with all my heart and I can't believe I have done this to myself. I like boys and only want a relationship with boys, but I find myself masturbating to girls. I feel sick writing this because I am so disgusted in myself. My question is is that do you have any advice to stop this? At mass on Sundays and during the week I would ask for God's forgiveness but I feel as though God won't forgive me. I was reading your other advice columns on this and have downloaded the porn blocker. Thank you for reading this
Let's start with the pornography. Pornography presents a corrupted view of sex in order to shock the viewer. See: A Look at Pornography. Over time that corrupted view influences your decisions. See: The Problem of Private Lust. You have to resolve that no matter what, pornography will no longer be a part of your life. "For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God" (I Thessalonians 4:3-5). The web filters is a great start to breaking this sin.
Once you stop loading your mind with junk, it will be easier to deal with the second problem. Boys get involved in masturbation because they have a physical need to get rid of excess semen. They have to learn to manage their bodies and their desires. Girls don't have a similar physical need, but they can get wrapped up in the pleasure of masturbating, which then becomes an opening for temptation to sin.
What you need to do is look at why you turn to masturbating. Is it boredom? A habit? A stress reliever? When you know why, then finding more productive alternatives becomes easier.