I have question about sexuality and pornography. I discovered porn probably when I was around 7 or 8 years old. I watched straight porn first, but I found it boring. Then I discovered lesbian porn, and I became addicted to it. I wasn't attracted to the women performing, I just turned on how they felt good (the pleasure). In straight porn, it only focused on men feeling good.
I have been attracted to boys all my life. I didn't have a father around to raise me; I was raised by a single mother. When I started growing up into a young woman, pornography no longer interested me and I quit watching this year.
I knew porn would destroy your mind, and it did because I started getting thoughts in my mind where the Devil is saying to me "you're gay!" If I see a girl who is gorgeous, the thoughts say "you want to kiss her?" I felt guilty and depressed. I didn't want to become gay because I always knew I was straight. However, I started having symptoms of OCD at age 16. I started to draw away from my friends (some are gay and bisexual). I feared they might turn me gay, but they know they will never do that. I would never date and have sex with other girls in real life because it's disgusting.
I felt guilty because I haven't been going to church in the past few months and I knew I wasn't protected by God's grace. I wanted those thoughts out of my head because the devil was trying to push me to the point of me really doing the sin of homosexuality. The thoughts still come back, but they are getting weaker. I know I am interested in real boys, but, my mind (OCD) is trying to convince me that I'm gay when I'm not. I have been praying to the Lord, going to church, and reading the Bible. I feel so happy because I am reaching back to my old self, but I have a long way to go.
- Am I gay if I got aroused to gay pornography?
- Does Satan try to tempt you with thoughts or memories of pornography?
- If you tell God your sins and you repent of them, does He speak to you through your mind?
James details the process of sin in this fashion: "But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death" (James 1:14-15). The steps are:
- Desires: Each of us is born with a normal, natural set of desires. The physical desires are the consequence of the operation of our bodies. We also have spiritual desires, such as not wanting to be alone, wanting to be liked by others, or wanting something pretty.
- Temptation: Satan tries to place us in situations where it appears that the satisfaction of a desire will require the breaking of a law of God. Temptation is the forcing of a choice to be made: either to break a law of God and satisfy a desire or to forgo satisfaction in order to keep God's law.
- Lust (desire conceived): When a person mentally consents that breaking a law of God is worth satisfying the desire, then the person has moved into the realm of lust. This is when the person justifies to herself that breaking God's law can be excused, at least in some situations.
- Sin: This is when a person seizes an opportunity and actually breaks God's law.
- Licentiousness (sin full-grown): Sin is rarely done just once. The excuses to sin come fast, such as "I've done it once, doing it again isn't going to make much difference." Eventually the person becomes calloused to sin and no longer feels guilty about what she is doing. She doesn't care what other people think. She may even convince herself that she has the right to sin. (Licentiousness means thinking you have a license to sin.)
- Death: A person fully convinced that she ought to sin and doesn't care what even God thinks about her actions won't be persuaded out of her sin. Since she won't leave her sin, she will die in her sin.
As an example, hunger is a desire -- it is neither right nor wrong. Temptation is when you are in the convenience store and see a candy bar, but realize you don't have enough money to pay for it. Lust is when you tell yourself that the store can afford to lose some items and that they are expecting some loss, or telling yourself that you could pocket it now and pay for it later and you accept that this is adequate justification to steal. Sin is when you walk out with the candy bar without paying for it. Licentiousness is when you think it is fun to take things off the shelf even though you have adequate money to pay for it. And from there it is a short step to spiritual death.
Since puberty your body has a natural desire for sex. For women, it is the emotional component of sex that is the primary trigger. That is why your imagining the fun a woman has during sex, and not the physical act, that caused you to find it appealing. But note that your body really doesn't care who or what satisfies that craving. That is something you decide.
Satan took that natural desire and offered to satisfied it with pornography. Unfortunately you took the bait. Pornography is a form of lust and is a sin. "For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God" (I Thessalonians 4:3-5). You managed to extract yourself from that trap, but in the meantime another temptation was planted -- doubts about whether you want sex with a man or a woman. Intellectually you know you want a man, but emotionally pornography implanted doubts.
But none of what has happened so far is homosexuality. Homosexuality is the act of having sex with someone of the same gender. You have been tempted with this sin, pornography caused you to lust for this sin, but you haven't actually committed this sin. Therefore, the fact that your body responded to gay pornography does not mean you are a homosexual.
Satan found a weak point in your defenses, so of course he is going to try and exploit it. Temptation will continue to be a problem. Temptation is not sin. After all Jesus was tempted, but he overcame the temptations and did not sin. You can do the same thing. Jesus responded to temptation with knowledge about what God said and wanted. He did not focus on his own personal desires at the moment. Therefore, since you know that lusting after a lesbian relationship is wrong, the answer is to settle the matter with that knowledge. "Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you" (James 4:7). It won't stop Satan from trying, but you don't have to give ground to him when he does try.
When a Christian repents of his sins (II Corinthians 7:10-11) and confesses his sins to God (I John 1:9), He forgives the Christian of those sins. Forgiveness means to put the sins aside as if they no longer exist. However, forgiveness is not the same as God speaking to someone directly. God stated that the miraculous gifts He gave to the early church would end. "Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away" (I Corinthians 13:8-10). We have God's complete revelation ("that which is perfect"). "All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work" (II Timothy 3:16-17). There is nothing additional needed. There is nothing else that will make you more equipped than what God has already provided.
Thank you so much for helping get through this! I never looked at women sexually and romantically in real life and never wanted a sexual relationship with a woman. I know, the devil is attacking my mind, but he can also make you do things that are against your will. I am crying because I hate that I did this to myself. The reason why I am acting like this is because one of my friends "came out" as bisexual and it scares me and shook me to the core. Am I still straight?
No, Satan has never been able to make people do things against their will. Satan is stuck with temptation because he has to convince people to sin and even here he is limited. "No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it" (I Corinthians 10:13). All it takes is resistance. "Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world" (I Peter 5:8-9).