I'm 19 and I need advice regarding my relationship with a boy. I do not know where to turn. I pray to God to give me visions whereby I can find solutions toward my feelings and knowings, but still I'm in grief about my decisions and don't know what to do.
I'm currently with a boy whom I truly love, but my heart is still with someone else. We separated because he wanted us to have intercourse and I wasn't ready. In a way he forced me, but asked for forgiveness saying he was sorry and insecure. I ended our relationship because I was afraid he might force me again, but I regret it now. I discovered I really do love him and maybe he is my soul mate. We had been together for almost two years, but we lost contact a few months ago. I fell in love with someone else, but now I regret losing my first love and don't want to hurt my current boyfriend. I can't eat and sleep properly because of it, and I don't know what to do.
If I understand you correctly, your first boyfriend, after two years of being together raped you. He claimed that he did it because he was insecure. The excuse really does not make sense. If anything he used force to get his way. This isn't a good characteristic in a husband. I understand that you saw the relationship as love, but it doesn't have the characteristics of love, especially on his side. See:
I think you are romanticizing your past, making it seem better than it was, because it isn't your current reality. Look at your current relationship and decide if both of you are truly in love. If so, it is time to leave the past behind. If you are not, then you need to let this boy go so he can find someone who will truly and fully love him. But even then, you need to move on. You can't keep reliving the past.