I am 22 years old. Between 2nd and 4th grade I was molested by another girl a couple of years older than me. She was a childhood friend, and we would "play" in a sexual way. At the time I just followed along even though it felt uncomfortable, but I just thought it was normal at the time. I feel as though I had a very sexual childhood and developed a very negative view of sex as a child.
The following year she moved and later in life I found pornography. I'm not really sure when or what age this was, I can't even remember the first time I experienced it. I don't know if my pornography addiction stems from my abuse, but I have never told anyone these things about my life. I feel as though I have been living in secret for so many years.
I'm tired of living with this. I've always heard men can be addicted to pornography, but I have been researching female addiction as well and it seems to be a growing trend. There are just not many willing to admit it.
I'm trying to seek spiritual guidance. I've done it "my" way too long and I am seeking suggestions, opinions, concerns or anything that you think I should do to overcome this "secret" in my life. I am tired physically and spiritually. Spiritually I see my life has been going in the wrong direction for quite some time now. I no longer want to live this way, but I feel like it is this dark cloud that will always follow me.
All sins have an addictive component to them. It is what drives people to repeat their sins. The common problem is that people tend to make choices based on what they feel like doing instead of considering what is the right thing to do. "He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, but whoever walks wisely will be delivered" (Proverbs 28:26).
No one can make you stop looking at pornography, but you can decide that pornography will no longer be a part of your life. Sure, the desire and the impulse will remain, but you can choose to deny those lusts. "For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men, teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly in the present age" (Titus 2:11-12).
People who have been introduced to sex prior to puberty often have a hard time dealing with the memories when sexual awareness arises after puberty. The conflict of remembering doing and enjoying things that you now realize to be wrong creates a dilemma that causes people to act out in odd and inappropriate ways. But what you need to realize is that these acts were done to you. They don't define who you are or who you will become. What happened was wrong, but that is in the past. "Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 3:13-14).