I have been speaking to a guy for four years. We have never been official as there has been a lot of ups and downs, and we have been through a lot. He was my first kiss because I always refused to kiss anybody or let anybody touch me, as I am strong Christian and respect myself. My intention is to always remain pure, so the man I am going to marry will want to marry me, as I am a women that hasn't been touched and followed the right path of our Lord and the Bible.
I felt very guilty my first time kissing him and reluctant while it was happening, like I had just done something terribly wrong. I addressed the situation with him and he promised to never kiss me again until it was right. Almost a year later when I saw him again, we kissed again. Again I feel really guilty and I sought God for forgiveness. When we were kissing and getting really close, he pulled his body against mine, than he began to touch my lower back and go further down and squeeze it. I grabbed his hand and pulled it up. He than tried to grab my breasts once, and I said no. He kissed my neck. Then he touched my upper thigh figuring that was my "weak spot." I kept telling him to stop, but I also kept kissing him. He then started to rub my genitals. I kept pulling his hand off, but he saw the feeling it was giving me. After a few minutes I told him to please stop, so he did as he continued kissing me.
I feel so guilty and bad. I keep praying because this isn't like me. I keep telling myself "if he really loved you he wouldn't have lusted over me, and he would respect me." I must admit that he didn't ask for any pleasure or acts to be given to him. I know he is a good guy and loves God. He is a virgin and has never acted this way to anyone before. I'm afraid he is going to look down on me now, and it made me question the type of guy he is now. I'm lost, confused, scared and sad. I feel attached to him, and I don't know how to let go, although deep down in my heart I feel I must let go.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Stop making excuses for this man and stop blaming yourself. He violated "Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman" (I Corinthians 7:1). That does not make him a good man. Either he changes and apologizes for his behavior or you find a new boyfriend.