Question

Hello,

I found your website on-line. Please, I'm a Christian but have performed sexual acts in the past. I was thinking I should go back to a guy with whom I have performed sexual acts over 10 years ago when I was still a child (8 or 9 years old), but then I realized sex does not create marriage, like you said. Moreover, I haven't seen this guy in all these years. I don't even know his present condition.

As I was growing up I claimed to be a virgin because I saw everything that happened between us as child play because we were both the same age. Now I have a boyfriend whom I've been dating for the past two years, and we started performing sexual acts. We had sex. Our genitals came in contact with each other, though he didn't penetrate. We've been doing this for more than a year now.

Recently our relationship became really complicated because I became verbally and emotionally abusive. I would date him today and break up with him tomorrow. He begged me to change, but I didn't. Then he started cheating on me with a girl. I found out about this and spoke with him, and he apologized. He said he's really sorry that it was because of what he was going through, and that he was tired of getting hurt by me. He said we can still work it out, and that he's going to cut off all ties with the girl. But I refused and told him I'm not interested anymore.

My boyfriend is someone who treats me nicely and also likes to make me happy. Now I'm thinking I can work things out with him because I know he's a good person who made a bad decision. I also decided to remain celibate until marriage because I have always lived with the guilt of having sexual intercourse with someone I'm not married to. I made this decision before I found out he's cheating. I just want us to ask God for forgiveness of sins, and that we should both remain celibate until marriage.

PS: I have asked God for forgiveness and have chosen to remain celibate until marriage. The question is whether to work things out with him and also plan to remain celibate until marriage a good decision?

Please, I'm looking forward to your response.


Answer

It seems to me that you have difficulties making decisions. You want to please God, so you correctly conclude that you need to remain celibate until marriage, but then you question yourself whether that is the the right decision or not. Obeying God is never the wrong choice.

You also treated your boyfriend badly, but it again comes down to your indecision. What I don't know is if your boyfriend wants to come back to you. I don't know if he wants to serve God and wait until marriage to have sex. After all, he now has another girlfriend, and I assume she is letting him use her for sex.

Thus, the first thing you must do is decide for yourself where you are going with your life. I do recommend following the Lord because your life will be so much better, but this has to be your choice. Then you need to decide whether this boy will help you be the Christian you decided to become and whether you really want to live the rest of your life with him. If you are interested, then you need to apologize for your bad behavior. Also tell him what you are doing to change, including your decision to remain celibate until marriage. Then tell him that you no right to ask, but let him know that if he is interested in getting back together and if he is willing to also wait until marriage before having sex again, that you would like a second chance. My guess is that he'll say "no," but it too has to be his decision.

You have to be prepared for that "no" and not blame him or yourself. If he does turn you down, then you are free to start looking for another boyfriend and this time to do things God's way.

If he does say "yes," then you have a lot of work to do. You have to be committed to trying to make the relationship work without giving into the temptation to sin. You have to think about whether you can live with this young man into your old age because once you are married, you can't change your mind every other day.

Thanks for your response. He has been the one telling me that we should abstain from sex before our relationship got complicated, and after our relationship got complicated he always told me he's not after sex -- that he just needs love. He wants me to stop hurting him. He's the man I wish to spend the rest of my life with. He's different from many men around me. He doesn't have the mentality that most men in my country has. He always tries to help me in anyway he can, so remaining celibate with him won't be a problem. I just want to know if staying with him after he cheated is a right decision to make even though he is ready to change, and he's this type of person that always fulfill their promises.

I have apologized to him and he has done the same thing, I have decided to change and become a better person, I have concluded to remain celibate and nothing is ever going to change that.

From what you are now saying, he didn't "cheat." You had no commitment, so he was looking for someone else who would make a commitment. I had assumed he was looking for sex, but you tell me that is not so. Therefore, you have to decide to change. He is not your play toy. If you want him for a husband, then you have to treat him as someone you respect.