Last updated on May 1, 2025
Question:
Good afternoon!
I would appreciate some advice and answers regarding a situation I’m currently facing. I am the daughter of pastors, and I lead worship at church. My question is, if I sin, should I confess it to my dad since he is my pastor?
I have fallen into pornography several times, and I don’t have the freedom to worship God because I don’t feel forgiven, and I feel like this sin is still hidden in my heart. It’s challenging for me to tell my dad because I live with him. I often asked to take time off from worship because I wasn’t feeling spiritually well (that was my excuse for not admitting I was sinning), and it didn’t take long for me to return to participating. My dad’s pressure is often stronger than my fear of God. I want to serve God in holiness, but I’m struggling with this. I confessed this sin to my mom, but my dad is the one who makes the decisions in the church since he is the pastor. And I’m struggling with whether or not to tell him because he’s a person who over time throws things in your face, controls you, or if you make a small mistake he already “condemns” you saying that you’re not going to change anymore or that I must be doing something wrong, the problem is that I can’t trust him or confess my sin because he’s my Dad. We don’t get along. He’s a proud person who believes that everything he does is perfect and doesn’t listen to anyone. Every time I make a mistake in something small, he always tells me it’s because I don’t listen to him.
I was always and try to be respectful to my parents, I never went out to party, I didn’t drink or do drugs, and I was never drawn to the things of the world, but I did fall into pornography. I want to be free and be able to serve God in holiness, but it’s challenging to know what to do when I can’t tell my situation to someone whom I consider not spiritual. And I say that I consider my dad unspiritual because he always starts arguments at home with my mom, my siblings, or me. The last time we fought, he tried to punch me and throw me with a chair. Usually, when he gets angry, he ignores me and doesn’t talk to me or respond to me, even if I do talk to him. He’s almost always angry, complaining, or arguing.
So, I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to fail God or continue sinning, but lately I’ve realized that my fear of my dad is stronger than my fear of God. As I said before, I confessed it to my mom, but I keep falling into the same trap, and my mom doesn’t tell my dad because she knows what he’s like. However, I don’t think I should lead worship anymore. I no longer feel free or have God’s forgiveness. And when I want to take some time for recovery, it’s tough for me to do so because of the pressure my dad keeps on insisting that I participate. There was a time when he got involved with a sister from church. They were texting with malicious intentions, and that became apparent. After my mom forgave him, the same thing happened again. We all forgave him a second time, and he didn’t repeat the offense. However, I notice an attitude in him: when he no longer makes mistakes, he trusts himself and believes he does everything perfectly. He believes that others cannot handle situations or navigate life effectively. He does, due to the experiences he’s had over the years. And in my house, we all committed sins, but the only one who never told my dad anything was me, because to him, I was always the “good girl” who never committed “serious” sins. And that’s another reason why it’s hard for me to tell him, not because of my reputation (that wouldn’t matter to me, as I have no problem confessing this to another pastor), but because he accuses me. When he makes serious mistakes and an argument starts in the house, he starts accusing and reminding you of the bad things you’ve done, so I don’t know what to do.
If you could advise me, I’d appreciate it. God bless you!
Answer:
I have some difficulties answering your question because, while you attend a group that claims to follow Christ, I see indications that it doesn’t truly follow Christ. For example, you lead worship, which is contrary to I Corinthians 14:34-38 and I Timothy 2:11-12. You also state that your father is a pastor, which is another world for an elder or overseer; however, there must be multiple elders in a church (Titus 1:5), and among the qualifications for the position is “not self-willed,” “not quick tempered,” and “not pugnacious.” (Titus 1:6-8).
I’m glad you realized your sin and turned from it. The only requirement for a Christian is to confess one’s sins to God. “If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His word is not in us. My little children, these things I write to you, so that you may not sin. And if anyone sins, we have an Advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous” (I John 1:8-2:1).
There is no requirement to confess before others, though that option is available. “Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much” (James 5:16). The reason for some others being told (notice that this doesn’t advocate wholesale broadcast of sins to everyone) is to enlist the aid of others in praying to God and to have help in dealing with the temptations and the consequences of sin. See “Do we have to confess our fornication that was repented of before our marriage?” for more information.
I would also suggest that you move out of your home as soon as you can.