Last updated on July 13, 2024
Question:
We argue often. I feel like she does not care about my feelings or what I have to say. When I try to tell her the best way I can without yelling or using profanity, she will either ignore what I say, cut me off (by talking over me), or dismiss my feelings and what I have to say. That is when I resort to using profanity (I know it’s not right). I’m not the best with my words, but I do try. My mother is disabled and is unable to walk. I take care of her. I’m 19. I’m angry at her for not listening, and I’m angry at her for not understanding me after I have tried to explain. From my point of view, she is constantly doing and saying things that are wrong or stupid, even if we have discussed the issue before, she does not talk to me before she does these things, and when I try to tell her how I’m feeling or thinking, that is when she starts dismissing me, and ignoring me.
I’m not a very emotionally intelligent person.
At this moment of writing this, I’m not a Christian, but my mother claims to be one. It seems to me that she thinks actions don’t matter because God is in control, which I know is biblically accurate, that God is sovereign, but our actions and words do matter. Right now, we live together. I just want to move, but I don’t have a job, and I don’t have money.
What should I do?
Answer:
It sounds like you and your mom are much alike. When you don’t get your way, you try to force the issue. Sadly, you have stopped to consider that it doesn’t work. Each of you gets more stubborn and entrenched in your positions. You use profanity to shock your mom, thinking that will make her listen to you. Your mom tunes you out or talks over you, so you can’t get a word in. To get off this endless cycle, you have to do things differently.
I’m only talking with you, and neither you nor I can force your mom to change, but you can make changes. People often respond in kind. If you treat someone well, there is a tendency to respond in the same fashion. Therefore, set an example and listen to what your mother wants to say. It doesn’t mean you have to agree with her but try your best to understand her points and see things from her perspective. At first, she will think it is a trick. She might try to push you to see if you are really sincere, but stick to listening before replying. “This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God” (James 1:19-20).
Oddly, when you understand another person’s position, it becomes easier to present your position in a way that they can understand.
Usually, I would ask for a specific example of the last argument and work through it to examine whether it is reasonable and to suggest ways that it could have been handled differently. But for right now, I would like you to go through “The Ten Commandments on How to Get Along with Each Other.” See if you can put those ideas from the Bible into practice and determine if they make a difference in how you and your mother treat each other.
Running away won’t solve the basic problem, though it might give you both a chance to cool off. However, if moving out is your goal, then you must work toward that goal. You need to land a job. First jobs rarely pay well, but they give you experience. Use the job to put you into a better position to land a better-paying job. If you need more knowledge, go to the community college and take some courses to help you with your work. It will take a bit of time to save up enough money to move out on your own, but you’ll be better prepared when you have saved up enough.
Question:
Before, I said that sometimes I would use profanity to try to get my mother to listen to me, but this time it is different. By the way, my mother and I are not abusive toward each other at all.
We got into another disagreement about the man she had been allowing to stay here for more than a week. He has been staying the night. They are not having a sexual relationship. She is bed-bound and disabled. Until a few weeks ago, my mother hadn’t been in communication with this man for over a decade. I did not grow up with a man in the house. She raised me by herself. The only time there was a man in the house was if it was her boyfriend or my sister’s boyfriend. I have tried to tell her that I am uncomfortable with him being here, and can’t do the things I used to do or need to do anymore because he is here. However, every time I try to tell her, she either ignores me or gets mad at me for bringing it up.
My mom can’t walk or take care of her personal hygiene by herself. I was taking care of that while we were talking about the man she has been allowing to stay here. Apparently, I said something that upset her, so she stopped responding to my questions and started ignoring me. I got upset, so I started talking to her disrespectfully. I knew it was wrong but I did it anyway. When I needed to adjust something, I pulled it a little too hard and it tore. I didn’t mean to pull it as hard as I did. I didn’t hurt her, but she turned around and pulled me by my sweater. I tried to pull away, but she still had a grip on my sweater, so I pulled my sweater from her grip. That’s when I told her to “never pull me like that ever again.” She responded by yelling “Don’t talk to me like that. You’re not my mother, but I’m your mother.” That is when I called her an inappropriate name. It was quick when I said it. I remember thinking, “I’m only calling her that because I want to make her cry because that is how I feel whenever she ignores me when I try to tell her how I feel.”
We continued arguing, and she tried to tell me that God was not happy with me. I responded, “And God is not happy with how you are either; you are living in sin, too.” I brought up some things she had called me in the past.
I’m not a Christian yet, but my mom claims to be. She doesn’t practice what she preaches, and most of the things the Bible says not to do, she does. She does not read the Bible. It makes me think she is a hypocrite. I read the Bible a bit in hopes that maybe God would change my heart toward Him and people. I still live with her. I have no job, though I want to. I can’t move. I know I have no control over who she allows to stay in the house. It just feels like boundaries are being pushed and no one is listening to me.
She says she would pray for me, but her words sound condescending. I told her, “Please don’t because you don’t know what to pray for concerning me.” My mother believes I’m a Christian, even though I have told her I’m not yet. I have no one around me praying for my salvation.
I do realize what I said was wrong, and I do feel bad about it. I felt bad as soon as that word left my mouth. I messaged her an apology because I didn’t want to face her right now and apologize. I know I should, but if I go to her, I don’t think she will listen to my apology.
Please pray for my salvation. I don’t know what else to say. The opinion of a professing Christian who knows the word of God and the Bible does matter to me. What should I do? What can I do?
Answer:
No one is stopping you from becoming a Christian. Your mother cannot stop you. Yes, her example is bad, but that cannot stop you either. “If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple. Whoever does not carry his own cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple” (Luke 14:26-27). It is a decision that you alone make. See How to Become a Christian.
Complaining that your mom is a bad example doesn’t change anything. Trying to force someone to listen to you only makes them more stubborn. Once again, you have to make changes in your life. Saying “I know” and doing nothing gets nothing done.
You want a job, so get out and start applying for jobs. You want to move out. That will take a while because you’ll have to get a job that earns enough for you to live on your own and that takes a while to reach that level. However, it doesn’t happen until you start working toward your goals.