Last updated on August 20, 2024
Question:
Dear Minister,
I hope this message finds you well. I am writing to seek your guidance on matters that have been troubling me.
I am a sixteen-year-old girl and live with my parents and siblings.
The first issue is a conflict with my parents.
I have been invited to a sleepover with my close female friends next month. We want to watch a PG-13 movie, cook together, and have bonding time. There would be no boys or men in the house, including the girl’s brothers and father, who are on a trip then. It will only be us girls and one friend’s mother. Yet my parents forbid me from going. They have no logical reason since there won’t be men. They know the girls and the mother, and I promised to call if there is an issue. By law, even though I am a minor, they cannot forbid me from doing this. Parents are only allowed to intervene in an adolescent’s affairs if there is a good reason, such as safety or health risks. I wondered if it would be a sin to go without my parents’ permission since they are being unreasonable and overprotective.
I am responsible and have never given them a reason to doubt my integrity or honesty. My idea would be not to sneak out but to announce that I will leave and go while still informing them where I will go and when I’ll return so they don’t worry. I have always tried to be reasonable and respectful, but I want to assert myself and not accept arbitrary restrictions. I believe they have no right to forbid me from doing what is not harmful, illegal, or sinful and that it’s overstepping their bounds. I want to be independent but also respectful of my parents. I’m unsure if what I feel is the truth, so I ask you to judge the matter from a Christian and a biblical perspective.
The second matter is an issue with my younger brother. He is fourteen and has been staring at my chest for a year. I tried to make him stop and asked him to look at my face, not my body. I worry he may be lusting after me. I didn’t tell my parents because I didn’t want to get him in trouble, and he has never touched me, but he’s not taking my feelings seriously and laughs it off, telling me I’m imagining it.
The third matter is with the same brother. When his friends come over, and my parents aren’t there, they make crude jokes, which I try to ignore. I leave the room. A few days ago, my brother invited me to hang out with him and his friends to play video games, and I thought it would be okay since the door was open and my parents were downstairs. When I was there, his friends started making inappropriate comments about my body. I was timid and hoped my brother would stand up for me and defend my honor, but he laughed with them. I left the room and went to spend time with my parents. I did not tell them what had happened, but I confronted my brother calmly and in private later, when his friends were gone, and told him that his friends’ comments were inappropriate and he should have spoken up. I told him that when his friends insulted me, they disrespected him, too. He didn’t take me seriously and just grinned, and I started crying. He then called me emotional. I don’t understand what happened; he was such a sweet boy.
Should I tell my parents about my brother’s treatment of me? And would it be okay to ask them for help when I want to go to that sleepover without permission? Could you please help me formulate what I could say to them?
Thank you in advance for your time and consideration.
Kind regards.
Answer:
Your question about what to do with your parents’ lack of permission is difficult because I have been given just one view of the situation. You don’t know why they don’t want you to attend the sleepover. You are assuming it is because they are overprotective — and you may be correct. I have to consider that there may be other reasons that they haven’t told you or that they did express, but you overlook them because you don’t see them as valid concerns. Thus, I’m left with a view that displays your parents acting arbitrarily, and experience tells me that such rarely happens.
Legally, you can insist on your rights. Practically, that move will damage your relationship with your parents. I suggest that you calmly approach your parents and say something like: “I really wanted to go to my friend’s sleepover, and I know you don’t want me to go. Can you help me understand why? I have to explain it to my friends when they ask. All I can say is that you are overprotective.” Then, listen carefully to what they actually say and not what you expect them to say. After you understand their viewpoint, ask if there can be an alternative to ease their concerns, such as your mother joining you to help with the party.
In regards to your younger brother, he is at that stage of development where he is immature, but he is getting hammered by sexual feelings. Those sexual urges are extremely strong in boys. There are times when, even when he tries to focus on other things, ideas of sex constantly pop up to distract him. Boys tend to be visually oriented, so he might not even be aware that he is focusing on a female form. I suspect it isn’t you in particular. He probably has stared at the form of numerous women. Oddly, your scolding helps him learn what is proper or not. He’s laughing it off because he is embarrassed, but he thinks it is unmanly to show concern. He’ll grow out of it eventually. His friends are all in the same state, and they feed on each other’s views. The best thing to do is tell them to grow up and leave the room. It will leave them completely dumbfounded because they aren’t able to see things from a girl’s point of view. Hold your ground and insist on proper behavior, or you will leave. Boys at this stage are thick-headed and have trouble expressing their thoughts, but it will eventually sink in. Don’t expect him to “defend your honor” at this point because he doesn’t fully understand what these sexual innuendos truly mean.
If he continues to behave rudely despite your scolding, then yes, you need to talk to your father and ask him to explain to your brother how to treat a woman properly. This is a discussion that only your dad can get across to him since your dad remembers his experience with that stage.
Question:
Dear Minister,
Thank you for your advice.
Following your message, I sat down and talked with my parents. It became clear that there was something I hadn’t understood about their objections to the sleepover.
You were right; they had a reason. It took some time, but they eventually shared that their concern stems from an attempt I made to end my life three years ago. They fear losing control and worry that I might try again, despite my promise not to and my efforts to heal and move on.
I apologized to them, and they started crying, even my father, who seldom shows his feelings unless someone passes away. They never shared their hurt with me like this before.
Although they say they have forgiven me, their fear persists. I want to respect their feelings and regain their trust, but I don’t know how. I’ve been through therapy, I’ve prayed for my parents, and for the Lord to please forgive me, yet their scars remain.
My mother has agreed to accompany me to the sleepover, but knowing how much I hurt them and how much they still hurt because of my actions, I don’t feel any joy.
Could you offer guidance on how I might help my parents overcome their fears and trust me again? Your perspective as both a minister and a parent would be invaluable in helping me understand their concerns and repair our relationship (and their hearts).
Thank you for your time. God bless you, sir.
Answer:
Now that you understand that they are human and have fears just like your own, it is possible to work on the actual problems. When a person is injured, the wound heals, but the scars remain for a long time, slowly fading away. Your parents forgave what you attempted to do (their wound healed), but they are still dealing with the scars.
Trust isn’t something arbitrarily given. It is something that is gradually earned. This sleepover is a step in the right direction of showing that you have matured and changed. It isn’t absolute proof, but it becomes an assurance to them because you allowed your mother to remain involved in your life. You’ll have to be patient. Here and then, little things will demonstrate that you are no longer the foolish young girl.
Therefore, in the near term, involve them in your plans. Consider whether what you are planning to do will reassure them or cause them discomfort. Gradually, you’ll get hints from your parents that they do trust you to some degree. They may even tell you that you don’t have to involve them so much (they should want you to become independent eventually). It isn’t easy when you are young and rushing to experience everything. However, there is a reason that Paul’s description of love begins with: “Love is patient …” (I Corinthians 13:4).
Don’t let your past hang over your head. “Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:13-14). The past is over and done with. Enjoy the party.