Last updated on October 27, 2020
Question:
Hello,
I am currently 18 years old. I have been having some issues lately at home with my parents regarding my boyfriend, who I believe has done nothing wrong. My parents have been friends with his parents since I was born, and they have always been great people to us. My boyfriend is several years older than I am, which my parents had no concern about since they are several years apart. My sister married who was several years older than her.
Everything was going great. My boyfriend and I loved each other very much, and although he lived in a different state, we always made our relationship work. He did everything he could to see me happy. He was everything that my parents told me to look for in a man. He was a Christian, had schooling, was loving and caring, and respected me. He never once brought me down.
I never disrespected my parents and I always was a good child. I kept my promise to God about dating and everything was picture perfect. My boyfriend and I visited each other three times in the past six months. This last visit, he came down to visit me. While we were traveling with my sister and her husband, my sister began to make fun of me and he stuck up for me, which made my sister very angry. She asked me what I had in mind to do for schooling and when I told her she began to say I’m too dumb and made a fool out of me in front of my boyfriend. My boyfriend didn’t yell or anything just said I believe she can do it, and then my sister said “No, she is not smart enough for that.” Then my boyfriend said, “Well, people told me that too and now I became an engineer.” My sister then cursed him out. Later that night she came up to me to apologize and started yelling at my boyfriend again. He said, “Please get out of my face right now. I don’t want to disagree right before the party.”
Some background information on my family: My parents always neglected me. I was always at the bottom of the list. My sister and I don’t have a good relationship as she was always the jealous type. If she didn’t have it all or even if she did have everything and I got something, then it was a big deal. She was like the story in the Bible where the king took even the poor man’s sheep. She was born handicapped, which I understand my parents tried to spoil her more, but in the family, I never had a voice. Even when I was hurt, I was always put on the back burner. When I came inside crying from what my sister said and how she degraded me, my mother told me to shut up. She didn’t offer me any comfort but said I was too sensitive. Then she went inside and nice to my sister after she was so rude to everyone.
After my boyfriend left, my mom came to me and told me that it’s over between me and my boyfriend. I was upset and asked why. She called him without my approval and said, “It’s over. I don’t want you to come in between my family and breaking up our relationship between two sisters. How dare you say that to my daughter to get out of your face in my house?” My mother didn’t stick up for me. It was always what my sister said. I know I am not wrong, and I know he is not wrong. We did nothing wrong. He was simply defending me. Now I’m grieved and depressed, I don’t want to break up with him. This was a man I was planning to marry. Now my mother keeps coming up with excuses for why he is not for me. All the gifts he bought me, she said were to buy me, which before she said I can’t believe he loves you so much. Now she calls him obese (he was a little chunky, but definitely not fat!), and that he is losing his hair. This wasn’t a concern for me if I accepted him. My mother married a man who was completely bald, so I feel she is being hypocritical.
I feel this is being childish. I am an adult, and I can think for myself now. My mother adores my sister’s husband who hasn’t been morally good. My boyfriend wanted to offer me so much. He was willing to pay for my tuition when married and give me the world. My parents weren’t even considering helping me out. There are many people who even know us, and say that they noticed I was always neglected.
I don’t know what to do, and I read Psalm 7. I had many signs from God about this man, and I feel I need to stay strong. This is a case when it’s best to go against my parents’ wishes. I was never so happy as I was now. And I feel destroyed. She called my whole family saying, “Oh yeah, it’s over,” and I didn’t say it was so. I feel very disrespected by my mother doing this behind my back. I personally regret to say I feel that she was jealous that I had a better man than my sister who was her favorite child. That’s where all this escalated from. I feel she planned all this because lately, she started getting so cold toward him for no apparent reason.
Please help with some advice. I just need to know, am I wrong? Are they wrong? Is it a sin if I tell them I want to be with this man? I never went against my parents, which is why this is so difficult for me, but I love this man so much. Inside I feel something telling me to be strong because I prayed so much and asked God for signs. I feel He is testing my love for Him. Another part hurts me to upset my parents, even though they were never really there for me. I was always the better one and kept my faith to be honorable to my parents. But I feel now they are really wrong.
Please let me know. God bless you.
Answer:
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).
I’m only getting your side of the story, but accepting what you said, it is time for you to strike out on your own. Let your boyfriend know that you are waiting for him whenever he is ready to marry you. Don’t argue with your parents or your sister. Don’t even bother to let them know you are planning to leave. When the date for the wedding is set, send them invitations and let them make up their own minds if they want to attend your wedding or not. When you graduate from college, do the same thing. Send them invitations to the ceremony.
In this way, you never have to say, “See I told you so.” Instead, by your kindness in including those who have been rude to you, you overcome evil with good. Your actions will speak far louder than any words.
“Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. Therefore “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; If he is thirsty, give him a drink; For in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:17-21).