Last updated on November 2, 2020
Question:
I am a Christian girl, and I am in a relationship. I think my boyfriend and I have been fornicating. When I came to the realization that what we had been doing was not right before God, it made me feel withdrawn from him. I just feel numb in my heart. How do I tell him what we are doing is wrong?
I know you are wondering why I think that we are fornicating because fornication is when you are having sex. What we are doing is dry humping. There was a day we did oral sex. though my boyfriend insisted it’s not fornication. This troubled me so much, and made me feel so guilty, that I just asked God to just close all opportunities to go to his house, how do I tell him it’s wrong? How do I convince him not to do it anymore?
Answer:
Oral sex is still sex. It still involved two people, and it resulted in his ejaculating semen. Your boyfriend wants to pretend it is not sex because it feels so good, he doesn’t want to stop. But you both are focusing on fornication and ignoring all the sins that lead up to fornication.
Stirring up sexual passion through touch is referred to as lewdness or sensuality. “Let us walk properly, as in the day, not in revelry and drunkenness, not in lewdness and lust, not in strife and envy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts” (Romans 13:13-14). Paul said, “It is good for a man not to touch a woman” (I Corinthians 7:1), and by that, he is talking about sexual touching. You can’t stir up the body’s instinctive desires for sex and think you can resist. When you dry hump your boyfriend, you are involved in lewd behavior.
Even thinking about doing things you should not do is a sin. I’m not talking about passing temptation, but the acceptance of doing something sinful if you got the chance. “For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lewdness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within and defile a man” (Mark 7:21-23). Jesus’ point is that sin begins in the mind and the place to first battle sin is there. You can’t let yourself daydream about having sex or committing acts of lewdness.
Logically, if you aren’t supposed to do or dream about doing the things that lead up to fornication, then it is just as wrong to talk about sex. “But fornication and all uncleanness or covetousness, let it not even be named among you, as is fitting for saints; neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks. For this you know, that no fornicator, unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not be partakers with them” (Ephesians 5:3-7). Personal phones and the ability to send private pictures have caused this to become a major stumbling block today. Because the other person is not present, we fool ourselves into thinking it is acceptable to discuss things we would never say or do in public. But the sin of uncleanness (dirty talk) is just as bad as any other sin. Perhaps people have gotten numb to it because uncleanness is present in our movies, songs, and books. We are so used to its presence that we become numb to the fact that it is wrong and a danger.
The logical conclusion is that you don’t start what you can’t legitimately finish. The way you don’t have sex is by not stirring up sexual feelings. Telling your boyfriend that you will no longer be doing things is not hard to say, but you are finding it hard because you know that he wants sex more than he wants you. He is likely going to break up with you when he realizes that you aren’t going to let him use you for sex anymore. If that does happen, then you are better off without him. God and your honor are far more important than having a boyfriend.
Question:
Thanks for the advice. It has really opened my mind. Can God still forgive me for this sin?
Answer:
All sin is forgivable for a Christian, but you have to leave the sin. You cannot get forgiveness for a sin that you continue to commit. See: Are You Unforgivable?