Last updated on October 31, 2020
Question:
I’m 22 and I’ve been with the same guy since I was 15. He’s been my only boyfriend.
When I was 19 I was messing around with his best friend, I never intended to do so, but it happened. I fell in love with this other guy, but I do still love my boyfriend. Actually, he proposed to me last Christmas, I said yes, but I feel so guilty. I love my boyfriend so much I tried leaving him for this other guy a few times but keep going back. I’m so confused and I feel so bad. My boyfriend does know a little about me and his friend.
My thing is I want to make the right decision. I know my boyfriend loves me so much. I don’t want to do this anymore. But the thing is they are best friends still! If they weren’t best friends, I could just be with my boyfriend, but I see this other guy all the time. I’m not in love with my fiancé anymore, but I love him so much and care about him, I’m sure we can be in love again like we used to, but I have to kick the other guy to the curb.
But do you think I should pick the other guy? He’s a little nicer, smarter with some things, and a little more attractive. I don’t know what to do. I see them both every day. I don’t sleep with the other guy now, but I have in the past. I want to make the right decision. I don’t want to see my fiancé with anyone else. I would be a mess, but if the other guy got a girl, I know I could get over that.
What should I do? I want to get married and just be with one and not think about the other! I don’t want to regret my decision, and I just want to be happy again. Do you think it’s wrong for me to put my foot down and say you can’t see your best friend anymore?
Please help.
Answer:
First, let’s acknowledge that the reason you have this mess is that your fiancé’s best friend and you decided to have sex. As nice as you would like to make this guy out to be, he still chose to have sex with his best friend’s girlfriend on several occasions. That doesn’t make him an honorable guy. Nor have you been an honorable girlfriend. You’ve been making a lot of bad decisions, so I’m glad you are realizing you need to change.
You indicate that your fiancé knows, at least in part, what you and his best friend had been doing. Despite that, he still wants to marry you. You don’t mention this, but I get the impression that you are currently having sex with your fiancé. You need to be aware that all of this sleeping around is wrong. “Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge” (Hebrews 13:4).
It is the sex that is distorting your view. You mistake the sexual desire for love. I would like you to read the following and then compare these to the relationships you have with the two young men:
You state that you don’t love your fiancé anymore, but that doesn’t sound accurate. In fact, you both say you don’t love him and that you do love him in the same sentence. When you get down to the bare essentials, love is a choice that you make to be devoted to one person.
I’m not going to tell you who you should marry. That is a decision you must make. All I can do is give you the information you need to make better decisions in your life.
In regards to telling your fiancé not to see his best friend anymore, it isn’t going to work. You can explain to him why you don’t want to be around his best friend, but who he decides to be friends with is his choice. It is a part of who he is. Even if you decided to marry his best friend, you know your current fiancé would still be around in your life. You have to make it clear to both men that you aren’t going to fool around anymore.
Question:
Thank you for responding to my email. It means a lot. I feel like such a bad person for what I’ve done. I know right from wrong, I graduated from a Christian high school. Right now my life is a complete mess, and it’s all my fault. I am so sorry for the decisions I’ve made.
Whoever I choose (and I need to choose soon), is it wrong to still think about the other person? I don’t know how to emotionally get over this. I’m quite and keep a lot in. I’m sad a lot. I cry a lot. I just want to be at peace.
I’m living back at my parents’ house now, and I’m trying to get my life back on track. I don’t need a guy, but I really care about theses two guys, and I don’t know what to do. I want to do what’s right. I want to be with one person — sleep with one person. I told myself that I’m not moving out again until I’m married.
I want to start my life again, but I’m torn and don’t know what to do. It’s always on my mind. I feel guilty. I know God has so much in store for me, and I need to stop fooling around. Could you give me some advice to help me just pick one. I really can’t choose.
Thank you.
Answer:
The reason for pointing out the source of the problems is so that you see that when God makes rules, such as not having sex until after marriage, that He wasn’t being arbitrary or trying to take away people’s fun. Things like indiscriminate sex can make a mess of life, which is what you are finding out the hard way.
While you had a hand in making a mess of your life, I don’t want to say that it was all your fault. These two guys are just as responsible for this mess. I can’t say I’m impressed by either guy, but of the two I’m less impressed by your fiance’s best friend because he knowingly had sex with his best friend’s girlfriend.
I know you care about both guys, but only one (or neither) of them can be your husband. Because you pick one, it doesn’t mean you have to hate the other. But it does mean the relationship has to change. You can be casual friends, but no longer intimate friends.
One of the reasons for the three articles I sent you is so that you can make an intelligent, rational decision and not an emotional one. You are trying to let your emotions make your choices but emotions are an unreliable guide. “He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, but whoever walks wisely will be delivered” (Proverbs 28:26). Emotions change, but sound reasoning remains the same.
Perhaps this will help. Make a list of all the things that you like about your fiance. Make another list of your concerns. Then ask yourself if you truly love him from a biblical viewpoint and whether being married to him will make you a better Christian or not. Look at who he is and not what you think he might become.
If you decide you can’t marry this man, then (and only then) look at the other man and do the same exercise. You may decide that neither are men you want to live the rest of your life with.
Knowing you’ve made a rational decision, it will be easier to let the other guy go.