Last updated on October 27, 2020
Question:
I’m 21 years old. While I was doing my graduate work, an older, non-Christian classmate has tried many times to get my number. After he got it he used to message me.
Until recently I really used to hate boys, but after this friendship, my feelings changed. We used to talk very closely, and our friendship went so well. Sometimes he would flirt with me. I don’t know how, but I felt very happy for him. I loved him so much — I still love him.
As days passed we became attracted to each other. Since we attend the same college, we have to travel on the same bus.
Most of the time he used to touch my breasts. I didn’t think it was wrong, so I accepted it because I liked him a lot. Once in college, I hugged him and we kissed each other. I even used to cry badly for him, if he didn’t talk to me.
I think he is a womanizer. He had an affair with some other girls. This made me mad and I went into a depression. But when I asked him, he said that I already told you that I am a flirt, and I am a bad boy. When things went wrong I asked him directly why did you act like that, then he told me the truth. I thought he was not hiding anything, and he didn’t have any affairs with other girls.
I used to talk about Jesus. I asked him to get repent of his sins and pray Jesus to forgive his sins. He did pray for his sins to be forgiven.
His house is very nearer to our house. Sometimes he used to call me to come to his house. I refused so many times, but one day I went to their house. Frankly, I said that I only wanted to hug. I didn’t want sex and all, but sometimes I like to kiss. This went fine for the first five times I went to his house. I know sex is a sin, so I refused to do that. I have confidence in me. He used to ask me for sex, but I never accepted. Instead, I asked him to marry me, then after that, we will have sex.
All we do at his house is hug for a few seconds. That’s it and also kiss. I won’t even get any feelings to do something other than that. But he used to pull me onto his bed, he lies on me and he will do something until he is satisfied, but I will not do anything. I just see him that’s all trust me and I will kiss him on his neck. Many times he asked me to touch his penis, but I refused to listen to him. I know if I touch him then I will sin. The only reason I will go to his house is I just want to see him and talk to him because he doesn’t get much spare time. Most of the time he is busy with his office work and some other work. That is why I just want to meet him.
Once when we were doing a video chat he said that he would show me his penis, but I said “No. Sorry, I don’t want to see it.” Then he said “Bye,” so I compromised. I just saw his thing for two seconds and then I closed my eyes. He asked me to show my breasts, but I don’t have a webcam so that saved me. He said that he wants to give me a webcam, but I said I don’t want it.
After several days, he asked me to come to his house, but I decided not to go. I said I won’t come. I told him some reasons like it is not possible with me and I’m going out. Now he won’t talk to me. I called repeatedly and left many messages. He won’t talk to me. I went into a depression. I thought let it be. God is watching everything, so I stopped feeling moody.
A few days ago he asked me to come. I did not go, but yesterday I went to his house for 30 minutes. As usual, I just hugged him. I didn’t do anything. In the same way, he laid on me, kissed my breasts, and did whatever until he was satisfied. I was trying to avoid seeing him and to hide my breasts. Actually, we are rearranging our house, and I wanted to present him with a Bible. That is why I went to meet him. I gave it to him. After that, we talked about other things.
After I went home that night, I have not been able to sleep. I feel very guilty. I feel that even if I pray also God won’t listen to my prayers. Surely God is angry with me. Until early this morning I am getting all these guilty feelings. I am unable to sleep. I want to do something other than a hug, but I know that it is a sin, so I will stop doing those things. I never had sex with him. Am I making a mistake? I know it is my mistake, but what should I do? I want to see him that is why I will go to his house. It is hard to meet outside. Sometimes we meet for only five minutes. That is it.
Please tell me what should I do. If I won’t agree with him, he won’t talk to me for days. I just love him. I want to marry him but it is impossible because he is not a Christian. Every time I will pray it is for their family to know the true God.
I have completed my education and am trying to find a job but I can’t find one. Sometimes I just want to give up and don’t want to live. All my non-Christian friends have nice jobs. They are enjoying their lives. I am alone. I have to cry daily about my circumstances and problems. Why God is not listening to me?
My family has so many problems — financial and etc. These things are going badly for me. Sometimes I get so much angry at God — I am sorry to say. Why is God not giving me a job? Then I am crying and becoming sad. So for a change once I went to his house, but that time also I just hugged him. What should I do? How can I forget him? I have tried so many times to forget him but it is not possible with me.
Please reply me. Your web site is very nice.
Thank you so much.
Answer:
Let’s look at this objectively. You believe yourself to be in love with a man because he pays attention to you. He, meanwhile, has by action and by words indicated that what he wants is sex. He told you he chases after women and sees himself as a “bad boy.” The rumors about him having sex with other women are likely true. He told you differently because that is what you wanted to hear. He strikes me as the type of guy who will say whatever he thinks a woman wants to hear so long as he can have sex with her.
His behavior has been lewd from the start. His touching of your breasts, laying on top of you, and dry humping you are both for his pleasure and an attempt to stir up sexual desire in you. I know you are excusing this by saying that you aren’t participating, but the fact is that you are allowing it. By your inaction, you keep telling him that what he is doing is all right with you. “Let us walk properly, as in the day, not in revelry and drunkenness, not in lewdness and lust, not in strife and envy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts” (Romans 13:13-14).
Predictably he continues to push you close to sex. He rightly believes that if he can get you to accept nudity, then you will be willing to get unclothed with him. From there it is only a small movement to be actually engaging in intercourse. That is why he keeps putting his hands under your clothing and why he wants you to do the same with him.
When you don’t go along with him, he withdraws, knowing you can’t stand that and that you then give way a bit more each time.
What I find sad is how much you are lying to yourself about what is going on. You keep saying that you are only going over to his house briefly and that all you do is hug, but it isn’t true. His hands are going places they don’t belong, you are involved in kissing, he has dry-humped you twice in bed to the point of orgasm, yet you keep saying that none of this counts. You pretend that you are trying to lead him to Christ by asking him to pray and by giving him a Bible, but it is only show. You want to marry him, but he’s not interested in getting married. He would make a poor husband anyway.
Pretending things are different isn’t going to change the nature of what is going on. “Can a man take fire to his bosom, And his clothes not be burned? Can one walk on hot coals, And his feet not be seared?” (Proverbs 6:27-28). You can be kind and sweet to a lump of hot coal, but it will still burn you. You can not intend to step on a lump of hot coal and apologize to it, but it will still burn you. This boy’s nature isn’t going to change just because you like him and you have no intention of having sex with him. So long as you are available, he’ll continue to push until he has you willing to have sex with him whenever he wants. His nature isn’t changing.
You wonder why God isn’t helping you while at the same time you keep sinning with this boy. “Behold, the LORD’S hand is not shortened, that it cannot save; nor His ear heavy, that it cannot hear. But your iniquities have separated you from your God; and your sins have hidden His face from you, so that He will not hear” (Isaiah 59:1-2). Yet, like most sinners, you blame God for the problems caused by yourself.
This relationship isn’t rescuable. You have been progressively giving in more and more by trying to “buy” this guy’s affection with physical and visual favors. The path you are on leads to fornication, you being disgusted with yourself, and giving up on God. You need to find a good man, not the cad you are currently seeing.
Response:
Thank you so much, sir, for your reply. You have taken so much time to reply to me. I am very happy to see your mail.
Each and everything you said about him is true. He doesn’t want to marry me, but he wants sex. I tried so many times to forget him, but I failed. Please pray for me that I should forget him completely. I will try my best to avoid him.
God will bless you abundantly because you are making us to know the facts and to follow only Jesus Christ. Your site is wonderful. Once again thank you, sir.