Last updated on November 2, 2020
Question:
I had pre-marital sex with my boyfriend. I truly believed we would get married one day, but now I want to break up with him for unseen problems. I don’t know what to do! I am so confused.
There are two main reasons why I want to break up with him and one main reason why I don’t is that God believes we should be married and have sex with one person and one who commits these sins will not inherit his kingdom.
The first reason is a very shocking and unexpected thing: he would want to put on my bra. He would make me let him do it, even though I told him it hurt me. We had many discussions, and he would tell me he would never do such a thing ever again, but then he would continue to do it. He has also made comments saying women are lucky they get to dress up. I feel like he has many desires that I’m very worried about and, in some ways, makes me question his sexuality.
The second is he is Catholic and isn’t very close to God. When I have tried to talk about God before he had shut me down, which dragged me further away from God. However, I think he now knows that I’m pulling away from him, so he told me he wants to start doing devotionals with me and wants to stop having sex. However, I wonder if this is only because he doesn’t want to lose me.
I see now how pre-marital sex only causes pain, sadness, and destruction. I still want to break up with him because of this stuff, but a part of me wonders what God wants me to do. I know if we break up, then I really will not ever have sex again until I’m married and will become closer to God again. I fear, though, that I will cause him lots of pain and wonder if he will ever truly get to learn about God. I also fear that we will never get over these problems, and I don’t want to continue in a failing relationship. I am very confused about what to do. I know now that I have sinned, and God is very mad at me; however, I don’t know what God would want me to do. I wish He could just tell me what’s the right thing.
Answer:
As you proved, the lie that “We can have sex because we will get married” fails because no one knows the future. “Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit.” Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away. Instead, you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that.” But as it is, you boast in your arrogance; all such boasting is evil” (James 4:13-16). By having sex with your boyfriend, you demonstrated arrogance. You thought that because you knew the future that you could set aside a command of God.
However, you seem to think that if you hang on to him and manage to marry him that this will somehow excuse your fornication. You need to see that regardless of whether you marry this boy or not, what you did was wrong.
Your boyfriend shows failings, not only in willingness to commit fornication but also in not respecting genders. “A woman shall not wear man’s clothing, nor shall a man put on a woman’s clothing; for whoever does these things is an abomination to the LORD your God” (Deuteronomy 22:5).
When considering marriage and a marriage partner, you have to consider the person as they are and not who they might become. You and your boyfriend disagree about religion. It might change in the future, but as it stands this will make a source of arguments in a marriage. Your boyfriend hints show that he likes cross-dressing, which violates God’s teachings. He appears to put on an act to make you like him better but doesn’t change who he is.
If a break-up doesn’t cause pain between two people, then they had no relationship. Your decision can’t be based on avoiding pain. You have to be focused on first being a true Christian, second find a good husband who will support you being a true Christian, and then help others to become true Christians. So far, everything you’ve said about your boyfriend doesn’t aid any of those three goals if you stay with him and marry him.