Last updated on October 28, 2020
Question:
Hello,
I am confused. I am a 21-year-old young lady who was raised in a Christian family, and we all know that with that comes a lot of morals and values depending on how you take things in. Growing up everything was well and under control. However, in my Christian walk, I found abstinence as the most important aspect in my life, to an extent that at the age of 16 I got myself an abstinence ring with the verse “1 Thes 4:3-4” engraved on it.
As I matured young men would come into my life. Some passed me by because they couldn’t handle a girl who didn’t want to have sexual intercourse. It started getting easy to reject guys before things even got too far. That is until I met a guy, whom I now call my boyfriend. I am really fond of this guy. He is much older than I am and that made me more relaxed around him, to the point that I wouldn’t even mind sleeping in the same bed as him.
Eventually, things got heated one night. And there went my virginity. I was emotionless on that night — I didn’t know how to feel. However, we still carried on three more times on different days.
I still go to church, have prayer as usual, and read my Bible like I always did before fornicating. However, at times I tend to think that I am in denial. But at the same time, I am really fond of this guy and I am still hungry for God. I can’t imagine being without this guy. He is so amazing. Yet on the other hand when we are together the word “SIN” just floats before my eyes.
Please help.
Answer:
Like many people, you discovered that being good when there is no motivation to be bad is easy to do. You had no difficulty in rejecting the advances of young men because you didn’t strongly care about them. You knew they were only aiming to have sex, so it was easy to say, “no.”
But along comes a guy whom you do care about. Because he is older, he is more clever in his approach. He is willing to take time to develop a friendship with you. And over time he slowly turned up the heat, so to speak. You even noted that you started daydreaming about having sex with him and didn’t mind where your thoughts were leading you.
In other words, you had succumbed to the sin of lust. “For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lewdness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within and defile a man” (Mark 7:21-23). You had already lost a major part of the battle because you accepted it in your mind. Thus, when the physical opportunity to sin came, you had no resistance. You knew it was wrong, but you had convinced yourself in advance that you wanted it.
When you said that things became heated one night, what you are really saying is that you and he had gotten involved in another sin: lewdness. You were doing things with each other’s body that was not proper. “Let us walk properly, as in the day, not in revelry and drunkenness, not in lewdness and lust, not in strife and envy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts” (Romans 13:13-14). Eventually, instinct kicked in and you went with the flow.
You seem to have some sorrow over what you’ve done, but not any strong conviction to change. “For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death. For observe this very thing, that you sorrowed in a godly manner: What diligence it produced in you, what clearing of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what vehement desire, what zeal, what vindication! In all things you proved yourselves to be clear in this matter” (II Corinthians 7:10-11). While you go through the motions of being a Christian, it doesn’t sound as if you have told God you are going to change (I John 1:9). Instead, you talk as if you are toying with the idea of letting things continue as they have been, even though you know it is wrong.
I have no idea if this guy would make a good husband. You don’t sound as if you are totally convinced yourself. While I’m pretty sure he is the instigator of what happened, I don’t know if he regrets what he did or not. If being with him means continuing to have sex, you need to leave him. Sex with a man who doesn’t respect you enough to marry you isn’t worth losing your salvation over (I Corinthians 6:9-11).