Last updated on October 27, 2020
Question:
I dated this guy and we broke up, and we are talking again. He talks about sex a lot with me. He has asked for a handjob or a blowjob. Then if he could “eat me out” or finger me. We are still fairly young. I’m 14 in a few days and he is already 14. I know I love him and I want to do that with him, but I’m scared of sinning. Are any of those a sin? Even if we don’t have sex and leave it at that?
Answer:
Yes, the things he is talking about are sinful. “But fornication and all uncleanness or covetousness, let it not even be named among you, as is fitting for saints; neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks. For this you know, that no fornicator, unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not be partakers with them” (Ephesians 5:3-7). A Christian should not be talking about sex with someone he is not married to, let alone actually doing such things.
I know you have feelings for this boy, but those feelings are not love. Someone who is in love with you would be thinking in terms of protecting you and protecting you from sin. “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away” (I Corinthians 13:4-8). He is talking in terms of using you for his sexual pleasure.
Sex isn’t just about a boy putting his penis into you. There are lots of actions involved in sex and all of them are inappropriate for an unmarried couple to be involved in, if for no other reason than that these things eventually lead to intercourse. “Can a man take fire to his bosom, and his clothes not be burned? Can one walk on hot coals, and his feet not be seared? So is he who goes in to his neighbor’s wife; whoever touches her shall not be innocent” (Proverbs 6:27-29). Solomon’s point is that you can’t play with fire and not expect to get burned. It doesn’t matter to a lump of hot coal if you show it love and give it a big hug — it will still burn you. It doesn’t matter to a lump of hot coal if you didn’t mean to step on it — it will still burn you. The same thing goes for sex. It doesn’t matter if it is because of feelings or a lack of intentions, but if you play around with it you’ll eventually get burned by it and you won’t be able to claim you are innocent.