Last updated on October 25, 2020
Question:
Hi,
I had a boyfriend on the Internet, and we never met. We were just planning what to do when we meet. I broke up with my ex-boyfriend because he wants to put his penis inside me and to have oral sex. I agreed to have oral sex and I agreed to let his penis into me. But a few days later I disagreed about his penis and that was the problem started. So I just broke up with him because we have different views about sex.
I want all this to happen after marriage. He tells me that he will surely marry me. His view about sex is that it is not a sin to insert the penis. It is only a sin if I get pregnant outside marriage. Is that true? He said it is the same as masturbating, which I already have done. I think that’s why he wants to insert his penis. He claims he only wants to measure my vagina with his cock. He said it is not sex, only measuring, and he wants to do it before marriage because he said if you can masturbate before marriage just entering a cock is not a problem. My point is, I don’t like to do what he wants because it is a sin to enter a penis which he doesn’t believe. Is masturbation the same as entering a penis? Is the level of sin the same?
He said that I can’t understand this part. What I done is not a big sin but in my mind, I have already imagined what things will look like to have sex with him. I already have shown my private areas to him.
He got very hurt when we broke up, and after a day we chatted and wanted me to understand those things, but I really can’t. I got very confused and that was the time he said I will never understand this. He just gave up trying to explain it. His mom taught him that it is only a sin if I got pregnant before marriage.
Thank you for reading and I will appreciate your answers for my future life. I just want to clear things up.
Answer:
Like many young people today, you are in a rush to have a relationship. You claim boyfriend/girlfriend status when you don’t know each other and never spent time with each other in person. Though you barely know each other as friends, you quickly plunge into discussing very private and intimate issues as if this is what a relationship is supposed to be about.
Let’s start at the beginning. Sex before marriage is called “fornication.” In English, “fornication” is considered an old word and is no longer commonly used. Many of the newer Bibles use phrases like “sexual immorality” or just “immorality” to translate the Greek word porneia, though those words are inadequate descriptions. Fornication is any act of sex with another person that takes place before marriage. Thus, intercourse (the man putting his penis in the woman’s vagina), oral sex, anal sex, mutual masturbation, etc. are all forms of fornication. “Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge” (Hebrews 13:4). Everything that you discussed doing with this boy was sinful.
The idea that sex isn’t wrong as long as pregnancy doesn’t result is a Filipino myth. I noticed when I visited the Philippines years ago that a long-standing belief in the culture is that nothing is really wrong unless you get caught. I saw people cheating on their taxes and cheating their neighbors and claiming nothing was wrong because no one said it was wrong. This same attitude is applied to sex, which is was the reason I was asked to go to the Philippines back then. Pregnancy means you can’t deny that sex was taking place. Because the age for consent to marry is 28 in the Philippines, young people were using pregnancy as a way to force parents to give permission to marry before age 28.
The idea that a man has to see if his penis fits a woman’s vagina is false. A woman’s vagina is very flexible. After all, when it comes to childbirth, the child, who is far larger than any man’s penis, has to come out through the same vagina. The truth is that a wife’s vagina adapts to the size of her husband’s penis, no matter what size he is.
The truth also is that this boy would not stop with just inserting his penis. Instinct would take over and it would not take him long to reach orgasm and ejaculate semen. I’m positive he’s counting on the fact that once you let him put his penis in, that he can go all the way and you won’t be able to stop him.
But let’s just imagine that he somehow manages not to ejaculate, it doesn’t mean that there is no risk of pregnancy to you. When men are sexually aroused, they begin dripping fluid from their penis, similar to the fluid women produce when they are sexually aroused. But since there is sperm present inside a man, it is possible for this fluid to contain some sperm. Even without ejaculating, there is a risk of the woman becoming pregnant.
Even in forms of sex that do not involve vaginal penetration, pregnancy is still a possibility. Sperm swim, so once fluid from a man gets near the vagina, there is a remote possibility of pregnancy. The fluid doesn’t have to be placed inside by the penis for a sperm to reach an egg cell.
And in all of this, there has been no discussion of sexually transmitted diseases, which are far easier to pick up than getting pregnant.
In many ways, Filipinos are worse than the Pharisees in Jesus’ day. At that time it was claimed that as long as a guy wasn’t having sex with a woman, no sin was taking place. Jesus said that idea is false. “But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28). This then leads to the question: When does sin take place?
This boy wants to claim it is only if he gets you pregnant, but that is clearly false. You have to commit fornication first in order to become pregnant and fornication is a sin. (By the way, the Bible never calls being pregnant a sin, only how you might become pregnant can be a sin.)
If fornication is a sin, then what leads to fornication is also sinful. Stirring up sexual passion through touch is referred to as lewdness or sensuality. “Let us walk properly, as in the day, not in revelry and drunkenness, not in lewdness and lust, not in strife and envy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts” (Romans 13:13-14). Paul said, “It is good for a man not to touch a woman” (I Corinthians 7:1), and by that, he is talking about sexual touching. You can’t stir up the body’s instinctive desires for sex and think you can resist.
Even thinking about doing things you should not do is a sin. I’m not talking about passing temptation, but the acceptance of doing something sinful if you got the chance. “For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lewdness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within and defile a man” (Mark 7:21-23). Jesus’ point is that sin begins in the mind and the place to first battle sin is there. You can’t let yourself daydream about having sex or committing acts of lewdness.
Logically, if you aren’t supposed to do or dream about doing the things that lead up to fornication, then it is just as wrong to talk about sex. “But fornication and all uncleanness or covetousness, let it not even be named among you, as is fitting for saints; neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks. For this you know, that no fornicator, unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not be partakers with them” (Ephesians 5:3-7). Personal phones and the ability to send private pictures have caused this to become a major stumbling block today. Because the other person is not present, we fool ourselves into thinking it is acceptable to discuss things we would never say or do in public. But the sin of uncleanness (dirty talk) is just as bad as any other sin. Perhaps people have gotten numb to it because uncleanness is present in our movies, songs, and books. We are so used to its presence that we become numb to the fact that it is wrong and a danger.
What I’m trying to say to you is that you’ve been sinning for quite a while now with this boy. He wants to add more sins to the list. You need to realize that there is no going partway toward sin.