Last updated on October 27, 2020
Question:
Here is the situation. I fell in love with a guy I met. He is the one who did the first step. I thought we would get married and everything. I thought he loved me “for real.”
Then he left because we lived two hours apart. He told me that if I would come, it would be different and that he still loved me. So he invited me over and apologized for everything he did to me.
I became pregnant and then the “sweet guy disappear.” He started to disrespect me in a way he never did before calling me profane names and all telling me I can’t keep the child, to go for an abortion, to forget his number, and all that. I tried to act mature, but I couldn’t, so I started talking back to him. I got on his nerves and I called him nasty names, too. But I felt like he used me all this time. He knew I was a virgin. I gave myself to him because I really thought we would end up married. But at the end of the day, he just used me for sex.
My family got involved because he didn’t tell his family. So mine decided to go talk to his family. Finally, I went to live at his parents’ place for a month, but he just ignored me, going out with girls and getting drunk. I didn’t know he was like that.
Now he is talking like I’m the problem because we are fighting, but I did everything a woman can do. Even pregnant I was waiting for him to open the door, give him food in the middle of the night, and clean up his mess. It seems like he doesn’t even care about all the things I did for him. He just doesn’t want responsibilities — no wife, no kid, keep having fun.
I at least wanted him to tell everyone the truth — that he is lying to girls to get them, that he just wanted sex and that’s all. Instead of that, he tried to tell everyone that I’m crazy and that the child is not his, so he could the good guy in the story.
I was mad, deceived, and everything because I learned everything about him once I got pregnant. I overreacted and was too emotional for no reason.
He kept telling me that we are nothing, so I left his parent’s house because it wasn’t possible to live with him anymore. Then I thought it was over. He keeps coming out of the dark once in a while. If I ask for help, he gets mad, so I don’t even ask anything from him. I gave birth alone. He stressed me so much I gave birth a month too early. I took an apartment, then he got mad and started to tell me I’m crazy and everything. But he wasn’t even there to help me make the decision, so how could he criticize? How could he keep telling me what to do, if we are nothing? If he can’t take his responsibilities as a father?
I wonder what I’m supposed to do with all this. People on his side tell me to wait, one day he’ll realize his mistake and take up his responsibilities. But people on my side tell me to forget the guy and make sure he can’t reach me again. I still love him. Even if I acted immaturely and insulted him, I do see the good in him. But if he can’t even respect me maybe I shouldn’t stay available for him.
Just five months before I became pregnant he asked me for a child, but I couldn’t give him one then. Then he left me five months after I was pregnant. Only five months but he’s telling everyone it was more than a year that we were separate and everything. Of course, people started to talk about this and he doesn’t like having a bad reputation because it’s not a good way to get girls. He wanted a child, so now I’m raising our child alone.
I’m 20 now, and he is several years older. Isn’t he supposed to be the mature one and the leader of this family? Sometimes it seems like he won’t change or that he doesn’t want to. At other times it’s like he wants everything, including the child, but without the responsibility. He wants to be an authority over me without marrying me. And he still wants the girls and the money. But in life, you need to choose.
I know having sex before marriage is wrong. I haven’t had any since I became pregnant. But it’s not the same thing for him. He did apologize to God for his sin but he keeps having sex with random people. He speaks God’s words, but he doesn’t follow them.
Some people say I’m the one who failed as a “wife.” I was supposed to guide him and make him change. Is that true? I don’t know how I’m supposed to act anymore. I wonder if really he is a bad person, why would God allow him to become a father? Could it be a signal to remind us there is a good road or that pregnancy is just a random accident? Am I supposed to wait and see, or I should just get married to someone else? But what kind of marriage would it make if I still love this guy?
Thanks for reading.
Answer:
It has taken a while, but I think you are now seeing that something given away for free is not valued. You gave away your body, you gave away your efforts, and all you got in return was a loss of self-respect. You are correct. The boy is lazy, sinful, and just wanted sex.
You are in your own home and you have a child to raise. Focus on the things that matter. If he ever changes his mind, he can date you (without any sex) and win your hand in marriage. But this type of boy doesn’t do that. He’s already moved on to other girls and has or will get several of them pregnant as well. You don’t need that kind of guy as a husband. It is a false notion that a woman can make a man change — married or not. You can encourage change, but it is the other person who must decide. When you are looking for a husband, you have to decide if you want to marry the man for who he is, and not for who you think he might become.
I understand you are emotionally attached to this boy, but what you have is not love — at least not the biblical view of love. “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails” (I Corinthians 13:4-8). You won’t find emotions and erotic feelings in this list. Even if you have some aspects of love, he has less for you. You are chasing after your dreams and not looking at the reality that exists.
He hasn’t changed. He might have claimed to apologize to God, but it is only words. His actions tell the truth (Matthew 7:16-20) — he was, is, and remains a fornicator and a drunkard. The guy is a bum and doesn’t belong in your life or in your child’s life.
Why did he father a child? Because he committed fornication and sex does lead to children being conceived. That is the way God made the world. That you violated God’s command that sex is only to take place in marriage doesn’t change the rule that sex produces babies.
What should you do? Find a real man. A man who doesn’t insist on sex before marriage. A man who wants to marry you because he is in love with you and who will accept the child you are responsible for as his own. When you find such a man, you will realize the truth — that you were not in love before and really had no idea what real love was like.
Question:
Thanks for the answer.
I would like to add I never had an urge for sex or whatever but I thought as you say that I loved him and he wanted this. When I think about it now, even if he was talking about marriage and love, I don’t understand how I felt in the trap.
I know the guy called himself a Christian and he goes to church. He seems to really love God, but he can’t act properly. It’s like he would like to quit this sinful life for a better one but something is holding him there. I saw him act well: be happy to have a son, act responsible with me, pray, and stuff like that, but it seems like he is two people. The good guy doesn’t stay for more than a day. Is he having a personal good and bad battle inside or is it just theater?
If he comes back, for example, without any change in his life and attitude to see the kid, am I supposed to come between them and not allow him into my life and my child’s? Do I not allow him to tell me what to do? If one day he does realize he missed a part of his child’s life and wants to come back, but the child calls another man his father, wouldn’t it be a bad thing that I separated on purpose a child and his father by adding another man to replace him? Even the child could have a bad reaction and tell me that I’m the one who didn’t let his father be his father. I really don’t want our mistakes to have a bad impact on the child’s life. He doesn’t deserve this.
I also wonder maybe it’s all my fault because, after all, I might have pushed him away by being too emotional while pregnant. Did I have the right to be mad at him for his comportment? Someone told me that as Jesus sacrificed himself for us, we are supposed to sacrifice ourselves for people we love. Even if the guy acted wrong or doesn’t respect me, I’m supposed to be patient, kind, and stay there to let him be a part of the child’s life. Let him know his child. Even if Jesus was insulted or pushed he didn’t do it back. But I did insult the guy back so maybe after all I need to repair the damage I’ve done to make things right. At the end of the day, we both didn’t have a mature reaction. Do you think it would be possible to restart from new or would it be wasted energy?
When I say insulted him, and that’s the only thing I did wrong, besides the sex, of course, is that I told him the truth. He sleeps with everybody, he is a fake Christian, he acts like a monster and doesn’t care about us. I couldn’t believe that as a Christian he would ask me to have an abortion and keep dating girls and sleeping around when I was at his parent’s place. It was really hard for me to stay there with a smile. I couldn’t handle it because I couldn’t believe that the guy I discovered while pregnant was the same guy I was dating. I never told him he was stupid or whatever. I never acted jealous when he was telling me about those girls. I never fought with any of those girls. I even told him to do what he has to and when he’s tired of sleeping around, I’ll be there waiting. He replied that he doesn’t want to sleep around and so on. But everything I said was true. He got mad cause he can’t stand hearing bad stuff about himself.
I tried to make him realized stuff. I even gave him a Bible that he was taking with him everywhere. He was reading it, but once his friends came to make him drink, he left the Bible. Then every step we made was lost and we had to restart. Once he goes with his friends he learns and does stuff that is in opposition to what I try to show him. He follows bad people too much. I can’t compete with those girls and I can’t fight against his friends. When he was happy about having a child, his friends told him, “No, now your life is over. You can’t trust that girl. It’s probably not your child.” After listening to them he believes what they say and that’s where the fight came from. They are not even experienced people to talk this way. Why are they always trying to give him bad words and advice if they are his friends?
I could marry the guy the way he is. I really don’t understand why. It’s not even about his physique or because I have a child. The reason why I left is that I think his bad habits might influence the child to be bad too. I want to raise the child with God — nothing else. If it wasn’t about the future of the child, I would still be there for him because even if he acts wrong. It’s weird to say, but I know he is not a bad guy inside. As I told you, I saw it in action not only in words. I know him now. I know everything bad about him — his dark side. But I also know the other side and learning about the bad in him didn’t really change what I feel.
But I know if I want to stay on God’s road, I can’t let evil come into my house. Anyway sorry, it was long, but I look forward to your advice. Everybody here is involved too much to give real, impartial advice.
Thank you.
Answer:
When I mentioned that you have to look at a person’s actions and not his words, I wasn’t talking about your relationship. I was talking about his claimed relationship with God. “Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God” (I Corinthians 6:9-10). Yes, there is a potential for good in him, just as there is good in all people. But that doesn’t mean he is good. Nor does that indicate that he will repent of his sins and become good.
To make plans for the future on possibilities is a fruitless pursuit. To deny your child a loving man in his life because the man who donated the sperm that conceived him might come back into his life is giving this man too much honor. You and he sinned and a child resulted. He didn’t want the child and he still doesn’t want to admit that he sired a child. The reason he listens to his friends is that they are telling the very things he wants to hear. You are not responsible for his sinful choices. “The soul who sins shall die. The son shall not bear the guilt of the father, nor the father bear the guilt of the son. The righteousness of the righteous shall be upon himself, and the wickedness of the wicked shall be upon himself” (Ezekiel 18:20).
My advice hasn’t changed. The man you were chasing is a bum. He might change, but you have a life to live and a child to raise. Move on with your life. Find a real Christian man. A man who wants to marry you because he is in love with you and who will accept the child you are responsible for as his own.