Question:
Hello!
I’m a 21-year-old Christian woman who is actively involved in worship and other community activities. I love serving. However, I have a somewhat delicate situation.
Let me tell you my story briefly: my mother married a man who isn’t my biological father because my father is already married. I’ve known my stepfather since I was two years old, so he has been a significant part of my life. However, on four occasions, he harassed me with groping, even though I thought it would end in something worse. I told my mother about all four occasions. On one of those occasions, I ran away from home and asked my mother not to see him again. Even so, she brought a pastor to talk to me. The pastor told me that maybe I had provoked the situation because I sometimes played with him, such as fighting. Over time, I’ve been able to forgive. However, the wound remains a bit. My stepfather was a drug addict until a few months ago. This has always been the case. He believes in God a lot. You’re probably wondering why my mother didn’t kick him out of our home for what he did to me. Well, she and I reached an agreement, and I forgave him; he then moved away from home. To this day, he lives with us, but I sleep with my mother for safety. My mother always tells me that she forgives my stepfather because “I’m too pretty and he loves me so much, so it’s understandable,” so to speak.
What’s the problem? I always go to church on Thursdays and Sundays to serve. However, on my team, my leader addresses us all informally, and we address him in the same manner. My parents don’t like the way he addresses me, or that we have such a level of trust between us, where we address each other informally. I’ve been serving for three years, and they’ve barely told me this. They asked me to call them brothers. That is tough for me to make this change because they are great friends of mine, and it makes me a little uncomfortable. However, I seek to obey God above all, but it is difficult for me to do so. My father, in particular, does not attend my church because he says that everyone, including the pastor, has a terrible testimony, and I cannot wholly disagree with him. My mother does go, but she is already very uncomfortable with my situation with my team, apart from the fact that she also thinks that the church is upside down because of the testimony of many. It turns out that she will now attend another church with my stepfather.
It is worth emphasizing that I love my family. I do everything I can to help. I am a girl who does not attend parties. I have no vices. I study at my university with an excellent academic record and assist my parents with household chores. I have saved myself for my marriage, and the only thing I would like is to be able to serve in peace. I can say that when I don’t like something, I get reprimanded, and sometimes I say hurtful things, for which I always apologize. Most of the time, I’m working hard on my character.
Since I was 16, I’ve had very severe bouts of depression, leading me to self-harm and stop eating. My mom has always advised me, and to a certain extent, forbidden me from talking about the severe bullying I suffered from my stepfather because “no one will understand why he did things like that.” I can’t say I have a hellish life.
My mom is a loving and hardworking mother who gives me everything I need and more. I love her very much. But this situation with my stepfather is a wound I carry, and sometimes I have a hard time accepting that. I don’t hate her, I feel like she left me unprotected. Do you think I’m wrong if I don’t start this change with my worship team? To call them brothers? I want to please God, but I think it’s a bit of an exaggeration to do so in a place where nothing bad is happening. What hurts me is that my parents see the situation at my church as so serious, and what happened to me always seems to be seen as something minor, claiming my stepfather has serious psychological problems.
Sorry for the length of this message, but I’m reaching a point where I feel I can’t go on. God always gives me more strength, and I don’t want to be a burden on my family.
Answer:
You are now an adult, and it’s time for you to make adult decisions.
If I understand you correctly, your mother became pregnant with you outside of wedlock. She married a drug abuser, who only recently became sober. Whether that lasts remains to be seen. I hope he does remain clean.
It isn’t uncommon to hear of women who want a relationship so badly that they are willing to put up with personal abuse or will excuse the abuse of their children. The excuses she gave you are horrible. A child is not responsible for the bad behavior of an adult. Your mother is protecting herself by pretending nothing bad happened. It is easier for her to pretend by not talking about it. The preacher sounds just about as sleazy as you can get. The proper course of action is to move out of the house. Find an apartment with friends or move in with relatives you trust.
“Worship teams” are not a part of the church as described in the Bible; however, how friends address each other is determined by the friends themselves, not by outside people. I have no idea what a “terrible testimony” is, and I’m unsure how much weight can be given to this assessment, given its source. What makes a church good is its submission to the Lord’s teaching. Unfortunately, many people prefer to judge churches based on their entertainment value.