Question:
Hello.
I am an 18-year-old girl, and I am worried about my future in dating and whether I am too naive or idealistic.
Recently, my family and I discussed waiting for marriage. I am a virgin, and I was very clear that I wanted to wait for marriage. I also told them that I would prefer that my future husband would have waited, too. So, in other words, I would very much prefer he did not sleep with anyone.
My family overwhelmingly said I was asking for “way too much.” I am very individualistic, but they said “dating will teach you” what is true. However, they don’t even think waiting for marriage is very important the way I do. They are not very strong in their faith, and I must push them to attend church with me every Sunday.
My question to you is: am I truly too idealistic or naive to want and expect a Christian husband who waited completely? Please note I am not judgmental of those who tried to wait and did not accomplish this. I just feel that I would be put off because he was intimate with someone else in the past.
I’m just so stuck in my thoughts regardless because I know that if someone has repented from their sin, they are cleansed from it because of God, but I would still be put off from having a relationship with them since they were intimate with someone else.
I fear I will not find someone who values Christ and God deeply. My family says that people who casually profess to be Christian are good enough to date, but most of the time, I’ve found they don’t truly value living like Jesus and will expect me not to wait.
How do I deal with all of this? Please tell me if I sound too judgmental. My family said I sound very judgmental, but I truly want my heart to be pure and accepting.
Thank you very much!
Answer:
What you express is perfectly reasonable. You place God first and seek a husband who does the same. One indication of holiness is staying out of sexual sins (I Thessalonians 4:3). What bothers me are those who state they want a virgin spouse but have not stayed away from sexual sins themselves. They are imposing a double standard. There are young men who are committed to God’s ways. I preach in a small congregation, and there are four young men here (from late teens to mid-thirties) who have remained virgins. Thus, I know what you seek is possible.
Many times, sins occur because we allow exceptions. Getting married with the intention to try and not get a divorce differs from getting married with the firm expectation that it will be a lifelong marriage. In the same way, dating with the intent to avoid sexual sins, if possible, differs from dating with the firm expectation that sexual acts before marriage are not an option.
Keep in mind that high standards mean fewer people will qualify. You may have trouble finding the right man. Thus, to increase your odds, you must widen the number of people you know to increase the chance of finding a suitable spouse.
You are correct that everyone does sin. Whoever you decide to marry will have sinned in some fashion, just as you have sinned. You might meet a young man who meets most of your expectations of a husband but has lost his virginity. You’ll need to consider why that had occurred:
- Some might have been sexually abused as a child or had been raped. They did not choose to have sex. They are not held responsible for what happened. However, technically, they are not virgins. Such people have emotional baggage due to what happened. Here, the question is whether you are willing to share the burden of past trauma.
- Some were seduced and had a momentary slip. They choose sex, but afterward, they fully repented and never allowed it to happen again. Here, you must ask yourself whether you hold someone accountable for a sin that God has forgiven.
- Others were not raised in Christian households. They choose sex because it was expected in their upbringing. However, they became Christians and left the past sins, including fornication. They wish they could undo the past, but it is impossible.
- Finally, some claim to be Christians but do not live the life. You will run into some who might even tell you they are virgins, but they are only claiming it to get you to let down your guard. Some may actually be virgins but are determined not to remain virgins.
When you date, pay attention to what the person you are dating is saying. Don’t make excuses for him. If he talks dirty, hints or directly says that he wants to have sex before marriage, or puts his hands in inappropriate places, then dump him quickly. By his words or behavior, he demonstrates that he thinks sex outside of marriage is acceptable (Matthew 7:15-20). However, if you find a man who goes out of his way to honor you and who refuses to be alone with you where something improper may happen, then you know by his words and behavior that he follows God’s teachings. I think that is more important than his past. In other words, you are going to have to judge the character of the man you are dating.