Question:
Dear Brethren,
I pray this email finds you well. I recently met a young Christian man at a Christian gathering. We have come to realize that we find each other attractive and that, according to God’s Word, we both meet the qualities of a godly man and woman (an example would be as described in 1 Timothy 3 for the man and Proverbs 31 for me).
We both desire to pursue a relationship that honors God with marriage as the ultimate goal. However, we also recognize that we are young (in our late teens) and inexperienced in this area. We do not want to adopt the world’s view of “dating,” which can create a false sense of exclusiveness without genuine commitment. Because of this, I suggested that we consider “courting” instead of establishing that marriage is the end goal while still maintaining purity and godly boundaries.
Before we move forward, we want to ensure that we approach this in a biblical manner and not overstep what is right. We would greatly appreciate any scriptural guidance, wisdom, or counsel your congregation could provide on how to begin this kind of relationship in a way that is pleasing to God. My mother, a devout Christian, said that we should call it a friendship since we have just met. I thought courtship was just two people developing a friendship and connection, but acknowledging that we are looking at each other as potential partners in life. Correct me if I’m wrong.
Thank you kindly for your time and for your dedication to teaching the truth of God’s Word.
Answer:
Let’s first straighten out some terminology. See:
- What is the difference between courtship and dating?
- Does the Bible talk about asking a father for his daughter’s hand in marriage?
- Counting the Cost: Using Biblical Principles to Guide Our Children in Spouse Finding
In both courtship and dating, the couple has an interest in marrying each other. They know each other enough to think the other person has potential, but they need time to get to know each other better.
Years ago, it became a fad to have rules of courtship. A boy and a girl were not allowed to be alone together. They took someone with them on dates. The boy had to ask the girl’s father for permission to date her and, later, to marry her if they decided they wanted to be together.
On the surface, all this sounds good. However, much of the concept of courtship was driven by a desire to eliminate all risks associated with finding a spouse. Ultimately, it limits a person’s options. People married without really knowing what they were looking for in a spouse.
Traditional dating carries more risks, but it actually results in a better selection of a spouse. This should not be confused with the modern idea of dating. One rule in traditional dating is that you don’t go out with the same person twice in a row. You need to know what kinds of people are available. A side benefit is that the lack of exclusivity keeps things from getting too serious too quickly. In other words, going out on a date should not be seen as an earth-shattering event.
Dating the same person multiple times in a row only happens after you are more certain that you might want to marry that person. In older terms, it was called “going steady.” With this style of dating, there is less heartache because there is no early commitment that could lead to an early break-up.
In contrast, modern dating is viewed as an immediate commitment. It often leads people to think they can get sexually involved. It also ends up limiting your options because the thought is that once you are dating one person, you cannot go on a date with anyone else. However, in a sense, it is also an attempt to avoid risks. “I might not find another person, so I’ll lock on this person.”
God lets people make their own plans. Those plans involve risks because neither you nor I control the future. Those plans may not succeed because God remains in control (Proverbs 16:1, 9). Thus, all our plans should consider what is God’s will (Proverbs 16:3). This is the same warning James gives (James 4:13-16). This is also why we must not throw away opportunities to do good (James 4:17). Eliminating all risks is impossible, but I can strive for reasonable risks and accept that sometimes I will fail.
Whether you choose to call it “courtship” or “dating,” neither one will completely protect you from temptation and sin. Here are some things you both need to consider as you spend time with each other: