Last updated on October 24, 2020
Hello!
My boyfriend and I are both Christians. We tend to fight a lot about communication. There are misunderstandings — small ones, like fixing his attitude. While for me, I tend to be easily irritated but I keep on working on it.
I was the one who breaks up all the time because of the issues that we go through. When I saw something about him that he needs to fix, he will say sorry and fix it, but after a couple of weeks, he will do it again. That’s why I feel like I have trust issues because of giving him the graces that he needs. He told me that he is working on it. Yes, I see some of the things but not the totality of it. I’m so sick of listening to him saying sorry and he will fix it, but he accuses me that I’m a work in progress, I’m human, I made mistakes, etc. I feel like he is not serious about repenting because of his excuses.
He is not focused on our relationship because he is busy working or he just forgot our issues. And the way we talked about our resolutions also makes me feel he isn’t serious. My main issue with him is that I feel like I can’t trust him anymore because of his past mistakes that my grace to him is unimportant and my feelings are not validated well enough.
I love him so much. We broke up a lot of times but I feel like this is the one. He and I would not fight anymore to be together again. Should I give him another grace because he says sorry and try to understand him deeply, or is it enough for me to understand his situation?
I’m currently having a second thought about why I broke up with him. What if he changes? What if I’m not just patient enough because I’m easily irritated?
I feel like I regret my wrongdoing. Even my parents and my sisters told me that I was the wrong one. I’m quite hurt because I gave my explanation that I gave him all of my grace and a billion trust, even if I have trust issues deep inside. But he keeps on failing.
I also texted his mother that I’m very sorry if I hurt them, especially to my ex for a thousand times of breaking up. Today, I regret doing that, but I feel that if I go back to him, I will have self-pity because I think I deserved much better, even though my parents told me that my ex loved me so much, and I will have a hard time to find another godly man to love me as the way he does. That’s why I’m confused.
Please pray for me. I don’t know if should I continue with my issues with him and in my life or not but I regret it because he is a good Christian.
Answer:
By the time I finished your note, I felt sorry for your ex-boyfriend.
All the way through your note, you complain that you can’t fix him; yet, you never managed to quantify what the problem was. You talk as if taking him back as a boyfriend was giving him grace and mercy, but you tell me that you are the person who is easily irritated, the one who is making demands, who tells him that what he does is not good enough, and that he is not changing fast enough. Not once do you mention what he thinks, which makes me think that you don’t think his opinions are important. However, you tell me he is a good Christian, so why are you wanting to change him?
If you are going to marry someone, you should be in love with who he is currently. Everyone has areas to grow and improve, but you don’t marry someone because of who he might become. You can only decide upon who he is.
Nowhere did you state reasons for loving the man. Instead, you prove that you are not in love. See Love Is … . I noted that you stated that you don’t have patience, that you haven’t been kind, that you keep records of past wrongs, that you are easily angered, and that you don’t trust him. This is not a loving relationship.
Question:
Hi Mr. Jeffrey,
Thank you for answering my questions. I know that I made huge mistakes and clearly I realize that now. I pinpoint him for all the problems that we have because he is not changing or making an effort to change even when he told me that he will change it. and I’m sorry for that behavior. I’m kind of confused about whether I should reconcile or should I let him go because of my mistakes that you pinpoint to me.
I feel like I’m a bad person and I don’t want to ruin his life again or to hurt him because I tend to be demanding. just like you told me too. I said I’m sorry to him a few days ago and I wish him all the best in life but I didn’t add that I want to reconcile with him. I just sent a plain chat to him but he doesn’t reply to my chat so it seems like he understands and accepts what I told him before that our breakup is final, but his social media password has not changed at all and I can still access it. I’m confused if he will come back or if I just need to move on.
Answer:
You acknowledge that you made mistakes and are too demanding. Yet, you continue to hold against this man that he doesn’t change while you remain the same. Before a person can help another person with their problems, he has to first correct his own problems. As Jesus said, “Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:3-5). Being sorry is a reason to change, but sorrow is not an actual change.
Stop going through his private account. If he posts something publicly, then it is fine to see how he is doing, but you have no business reading his private messages.
Don’t make assumptions about a person’s thoughts based on a lack of information. You have no idea what he is thinking. “For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the spirit of the man which is in him?” (I Corinthians 2:11). One of the reasons you get frustrated with him and other people is because you miss your guess about what is happening.
Basically, you need to start having respect for other people and consider them to be more important than yourself or your feelings. When you begin to master this, then you’ll be ready to date someone.