Last updated on October 23, 2020
Question:
I’m a twenty-one-year-old woman about to be married to a wonderful Christian man who I truly love and want to spend the rest of my life with. I’m excited to begin married life with him — the only problem is: I find myself dreading our wedding night when I will give him my virginity. While I understand that sex is a wonderful thing created by God for married couples, I can’t imagine myself ever doing it. The idea just freaks me out. I want to be a good biblical wife and to be available sexually for my husband whenever he desires it, but I’m just nervous about this. He’s waited for marriage too, and we’ve done nothing sexual yet. I know he’s looking forward to our wedding night, as he should. How can I stop feeling this way? Is it wrong to think like this? Does this mean I shouldn’t be married? Please help, the wedding is only several months away.
Answer:
“Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does” (I Corinthians 7:3-4).
Since sex is only allowed in a marriage, then in a typical marriage both the husband and wife should expect the availability of sex. To enter a covenant with an expectation and then find out after the fact that it is being withheld for no particularly good reason is to a victim of fraud.
If you want to be a good wife, then you need to face fears instead of run from them. There will always be unknowns on your horizon. Fears feed on what you don’t know, so the solution is to learn.
There are several good books on sex that both you and your husband-to-be should study. One that I would particularly recommend is Intended for Pleasure by Ed and Gaye Wheat. I assume you are having pre-marriage counseling. Also, I strongly recommend that your husband-to-be talk to your counselor, or someone he recommends, about how to have sex. There are simple things he can do to make the first experience more pleasurable, but he needs to be aware of what is required.