Last updated on October 23, 2020
Question:
My boyfriend and I are both Catholics, and we have been dating for a while now. I wear a purity ring to show I want to stay pure until marriage. For me, that included anything past kissing. But my boyfriend and I were kissing and we touched. He touched my bare breasts and I gave him a hand job. I feel so guilty for letting it happen. I knew it was wrong, and I regret it, but I still enjoyed it. Does this mean I am not truly sorry for my sin? Should I still wear my purity ring? I don’t know what to do.
Answer:
Let’s talk a moment about your intentions versus your actions. You intended to stay pure in regard to sex until after you were married. You placed limits in your mind that you would not go beyond a certain point. I suspect that for the most part, that limit was not to have actual intercourse. While you didn’t want to get involved in foreplay, you weren’t as strongly committed to that idea.
What caught you off-guard was that you weren’t expecting sexual actions to be as strongly pleasurable as they are. Of course, you enjoyed what happened. The reason so many people sin sexually is precisely that it is enjoyable. It is easy to get caught up in the pleasure, to the point that you stop thinking about what you are actually doing — which is why fornication happens so often.
It isn’t that God is denying anyone pleasure — it is quite the opposite actually. “Live joyfully with the wife whom you love all the days of your vain life which He has given you under the sun, all your days of vanity; for that is your portion in life, and in the labor which you perform under the sun” (Ecclesiastes 9:9). What He warns us against, with His laws, is making mistakes because we are focused on the pleasures of sin. I doubt very much either you or your boyfriend are wanting to have a child right now, but that is the direction you two are heading. You haven’t even decided that you are going to commit your lives to each other, let alone make that commitment.
The time of dating is supposed to be an opportunity for you and him to get to know each other. To find out who the other person is and whether you want to live with each other for the rest of your lives. Instead, sex is now getting in your way and you spend your time together thinking about sex instead of the person.
Because you focused on avoiding the end, you don’t consider what leads up to the end. Think about it reasonably for the moment. What were you doing having your breast bared in front of a man and letting him touch them? Is that a sensible thing to do? Does that keep you away from sex or lead you toward it? Why was his penis exposed in front of you? Why were you getting him so sexually aroused that he ejaculated? Was that leading you toward or away from fornication?
Have you been sexually pure? Clearly, the answer is “no.” The real question is will you actually commit yourself to be pure in the future. To wear a ring declaring to be pure while giving boys hand jobs is a lie. But if you will show courage and self-control in the future, then it is a statement of dedication toward your goal.
You need to have a serious talk with your boyfriend. You can’t remain true to yourself if he is constantly pushing you in the wrong direction. He has to be committed to the idea of being sexually pure as well. That means both of you keeping yourselves covered up properly and your hands away from sexual areas. If he won’t commit himself to that, you need to find another boyfriend; otherwise, you are going to be writing to me again about things going even further than you wanted.
Response:
Thank you so much. My boyfriend and I had a serious talk the next day. We both decided that we knew what we did was against God’s will. I understand that God doesn’t want to take pleasure away and that He has laws for me so I can live a better life with Him. I asked God for forgiveness. I want to stay pure until I am married, and I’m going to start over. I won’t make the same mistake again. God bless you.