Last updated on October 27, 2020
Question:
Hello,
I have some question about sexual immorality and my relationship.
My boyfriend and I were dating almost two years. Recently we broke up for the following reasons:
First, while he was dating me, he texted his ex to ask her to come back to him. I found out and asked him about it. He said it was just a joke because his ex also did that to him. So I forgave him that. He said he was sorry and promised never to do that again.
Second, he hid his relationship with me and went to find some girls to have sex with. This happened three times. He felt guilty, told me everything, and asked me to forgive him. So I forgave him again and he also said he did not want to do it, but he could not control himself.
Third, recently he told me that he chatted with a girl in his class and talked about her relationship with her boyfriend. For no reason, he asked the girl to have sex with him although he did not want to. He told me that again and asked me to forgive him. I thought maybe he is still too young to control himself, so I said OK.
My family found out about two of his sex partners and asked me to stay away from him. They wanted me to break up with him and I did. They said he is Satan and he pulled me with him for two years. My feeling is that I think he is going to change, but my family doesn’t want to give him a chance. My family are all Christians, so they are really strict about sexual immorality. They said he has a mental problem, is sexually immoral, and I need to stay away from him.
He only has me as a girlfriend, a friend, and someone who can listen to him when he needs to share something. I still want to help him. He asked me if he changed, could we get back with each other. Both of us are Christians and are baptized. Do you think we still have a chance to come back together if he seriously changes?
I must admit that my boyfriend and I also lost our virginity together. This is our secret. I can give him another chance, but I do not know whether it is right or wrong. I really need help with our relationship. My boyfriend asked me many times about getting married, but I thought we are too young to get married. I want to have some advice because he said he will change and come back to show my family that he loves me truly. He wants to marry me as he said. He said he can’t forget me and will love me forever. Do you think God will forgive him, me, and what we did? Can God give us chance to come back together?
Answer:
Can a person change? The answer is most definitely “yes.” “For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death. For observe this very thing, that you sorrowed in a godly manner: What diligence it produced in you, what clearing of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what vehement desire, what zeal, what vindication! In all things you proved yourselves to be clear in this matter” (II Corinthians 7:10-11). Christianity is about people changing from a life a sin to a life of righteousness.
But the more important question is will he change, and that is one I can’t answer. There are a number of things you mention that cause me to doubt his will to change.
First off, he is talking about changing so that you will accept him back. He ought to change because this is what is pleasing to God and it is the right thing to do. A real change should be evident whether you take him back or not.
A second concern is the claim that he couldn’t help himself. That is an outright lie. That he has been carried along by his lust for sex is true, but he has full control over himself and his body. The truth is that he didn’t want to control himself. “No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it” (I Corinthians 10:13). Since he is not looking at his sins honestly and is making excuses, I’m concerned that this habit will continue in the future.
A third concern is that while he has said he would change in the past, he proceeded to continue his sins. Jesus told us to put more weight on what a person does than on what they say. “You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles?” (Matthew 7:16).
While you see yourself differently, what I notice is that you are one of at least five girls he has bedded. I know what he has told you, but I don’t know what he has been telling the other girls. You gave hints that he is continuing to keep in contact with at least one other girl. Perhaps he is only talking to you, but the difficulty is that this is the same line a creep would give to each girl he was wooing. I can’t put much belief in what he says given his behavior.
Here is want I suggest: Tell him that you want him to change for his soul’s sake not because he might win you back. Therefore, you are not going to make any promise about getting back together with him. However, if does completely change and doesn’t get involved with girls for about a year, then he should ask you then. If you haven’t found someone else by that point, you might consider it but until then you only have his word, and that hasn’t been worth much.
A second thing I would like you to do will be a bit harder because it will require you to be able to control your emotions. I would like you to talk to the other girls he’s been having sex with and find out if he is staying in contact with them. What you find out might hurt a great deal, but you need some way of verifying whether he’s been honest with you. You also need some way to find out if he is behaving himself in the coming months that doesn’t involve you asking him.
Third, I want you to insist that he doesn’t try to change on his own. He needs to talk to a preacher or elder and learn how to control his sexual desire and how to be a faithful Christian. If he does come back in a year and say that he has changed, I want you to talk to whoever has been teaching him and ask them if you should trust what he says. This again will give you some independent verification.
Unfortunately, the odds are that he won’t last and I want you to be prepared for that. Don’t tie yourself to the hope that this time he really will change. Get to know some other boys. Who knows, you might actually find a good honest man who will make you a husband you won’t have doubts about all the time.
Can God forgive you two? Sure. It requires that you change your mind and change your behavior about the sins you two have committed (II Corinthians 7:10-11). It requires that you go to God and admit you’ve sinned (I John 1:9). God is wanting you to change. “The Lord is not slack concerning His promise, as some count slackness, but is longsuffering toward us, not willing that any should perish but that all should come to repentance” (II Peter 3:9).
Question:
Thanks for your answer. Would we still be friends or not? I want to help him to rehabilitate his sickness, so would I do that, or do I have to ask his family to help him? My family is against him really now, and they don’t want me to associate with him? Is it right or wrong? He is so ashamed, he doesn’t want anyone to know what he did. He said he will finish school and join the services after that. When he is mature and has a balanced life, he will come back to my family to ask for me. That’s his plan. So should I talk to him and meet him like a friend from now on? Or do I have to ignore him? I don’t want to make his life worse because of me.
Answer:
You didn’t make his life bad. He has done that on his own. You’ve only insisted that he start living righteously and that is not a fault on your part. He doesn’t have a sickness; he hasn’t learned self-control when it comes to sexual issues, and he doesn’t know how to make good moral choices that are pleasing to God.
The fact that he doesn’t want anyone to know sounds too much like he doesn’t want to be discovered. Repented sin should be covered over, but he hasn’t shown evidence of repentance yet — only sorrow. I’m also bothered that he thinks a military career will make him behave better. It will give him some discipline in his life, but it won’t give him morality. I suspect he’ll find the temptations to sin greater while he is away.
I’m glad you want to help, but in this case, you are too close to the problem. You are too sympathetic to his point of view and what he really needs is someone who is not emotionally involved. I would strongly suggest that he find a strong Christian man who he can confide in and who can guide him into making better choices. He is welcome to talk to me if he wants and doesn’t want to talk to someone locally.
I really don’t know if you can keep this relationship light after what has happened. The trend would be to drift back into a sexual relationship — either physically or verbally. If it does start again, I don’t know if you have the backbone to call it off. I think your family has the same concern.
Response:
Thanks so much for answering my questions and my struggle. I have really lost myself in these days because nobody can understand me. I appreciate your patience with me. I will wait for a while and ask him to contact you if he would like to.
Again, thanks a lot, Mr. Hamilton.