Last updated on October 31, 2020
Question:
I’ve been with my boyfriend for a while now, and we are still very young. We have been having intercourse most of our relationship. Recently he has decided to be closer to God and says we shouldn’t have sex anymore. I want to respect his decisions, but I don’t know how to resist the temptation. He won’t even cuddle or get close to me anymore and it makes me feel unwanted and insecure about myself. I know that having sex before marriage is wrong, but I feel like this is going to tear us apart. How could I help both of us?
Answer:
Let’s start out with a simple fact: God knew what He was doing when He created the world and He gave men rules so they could avoid causing themselves harm. “Now, Israel, what does the LORD your God require from you, but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in all His ways and love Him, and to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to keep the LORD’S commandments and His statutes which I am commanding you today for your good?” (Deuteronomy 10:12-13).
One rule has been that sex belongs only in marriage. “Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge” (Hebrews 13:4). This isn’t an arbitrary rule. There are aspects of sex that enhances a relationship in marriage but destroy relationships outside of marriage. See Marriage’s Glue.
You noted one problem already. Once sex enters into relationship outside of marriage, it quickly dominates everything that is done. Instead of a boy and girl getting to become best friends, everything revolves around the next chance to have sex. It is not long before the people involved think that the sex is love, when love is something very different from sex and sexual feelings. See:
Notice that you’ve lost being able to relate to your boyfriend as a friend unless there are sexual feelings or sex itself being expressed. However, marriage is first and foremost about companionship. “Yet she is your companion and your wife by covenant” (Malachi 2:14).
What you both noticed as well is this immersion into sex has driven God out of your lives. Your boyfriend wants God to be in his life. He can’t while he violates God’s laws. The reason he is avoiding cuddling and the like is that he knows the strength of his instinct for sex. He realizes he can’t go part way and keep his clothes on. His biggest problem is that his girlfriend doesn’t see any harm in sex, so she is constantly tempting him to do what he knows is wrong. In fact, you are saying unless he goes nuts with passion and has sex with you, then he doesn’t really love you. With such a contrasting view of morality, it is no wonder you are drifting apart.