Last updated on November 2, 2020
Question:
Hello,
Sorry to ask such an intimate question. My boyfriend and I agreed on not having sex, but we have started cuddling and hugging more this year, and although I know strictly speaking I shouldn’t, I have recently started rubbing my area against his (with our clothes on, and last time we were both wearing underwear still) when we’re hugging or cuddling in bed, and sometimes I get a lot of discharge. He can even feel it outside my jeans. Is that normal, and will it somehow lead to pregnancy if he has a lot of precum too?
And yesterday I was on a very crowded bus, a man behind me kept bumping into me from behind. I know it’s not advisable now, of course, but it felt as if I were out of control. I just let him keep rubbing his clothed penis against me, and I rubbed back a little too. I had a lot of discharge that time too, so his penis (clothed) touched my damp underwear (but not my vagina). Am I still safe and a virgin?
I want to stop wanting these things. I know I should not have rubbed my boyfriend, least of all a stranger, but I can’t seem to stop the unwanted behavior. Please help me.
Answer:
“Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman” (I Corinthians 7:1).
By “touch,” Paul is talking about sexually touching another person. It isn’t a suggestion that can be ignored if a person wants to, it is a statement of fact. If you understand that that sex outside of marriage is wrong, then you don’t walk toward that destination. “Do not enter the path of the wicked and do not proceed in the way of evil men. Avoid it, do not pass by it; turn away from it and pass on” (Proverbs 4:14-15).
Notice what is happening: you say you don’t want to have sex before marriage, you even repeatedly emphasize that you are keeping your clothes on, but then you briefly mention that last time you were wearing only underwear while sexually touching each other in bed. Does that really strike you as two people who are trying to not have sex? Or, is it two people who are trying to see how close they can get to the edge of a cliff without falling over? That is how it is going to happen. You are going to suddenly find your boyfriend’s penis in you and you won’t remember how it happened.
What this and the incident on the bus tells me is that you are wrapped up in your own personal feelings. Because it is exciting, risky, and feels good, you continue without a thought about the morality of what you are doing … until later. In some ways, you are justifying these sins because you believe nothing will happen as a result. Yet, you are already in sin. The word for what you are doing in the Bible is lewdness or sensuality. “Let us behave properly as in the day, not in carousing and drunkenness, not in sexual promiscuity and sensuality, not in strife and jealousy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh in regard to its lusts” (Romans 13:13-14).
Could you get pregnant from what you’ve already done? The chances are very low, but not impossible. A boy’s precum can contain sperm, not much, and not always, but some can be present. Sperm swim and cloth, especially the cloth of underwear, is not a barrier to sperm. All they need is a liquid path to your vagina, which was present. Again, the odds that sperm would survive the journey is low, but not impossible. The odds rise greatly if your boyfriend ejaculates or if he gets his penis into your vagina.
When people are sexually aroused, they don’t think clearly. That is part of the reason you have been taking inappropriate risks. But that is why the rule is not to touch each other sexually. It is hard enough to resist temptation without making it more difficult. Both boys and girls produce fluids when they are aroused, so that is physically normal, but it also an indication that risks are being taken.
Therefore, I disagree that you can’t stop this behavior. “No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it” (I Corinthians 10:13). The escape is to not start, not wait until you are heavily aroused, and then try to not go further.
Question:
Thank you for taking the time to help me, sir. I am deeply sorry for what I have done before. May I add that actually I never started any of these encounters? I had tried to dissuade them, too, but they always find ways to make me lose control in the end. I have tried to tell my boyfriend again, but we ended up repeating the mentioned incident yesterday. Even when I am not seeing him, I can’t stop thinking about such things when I am alone. I am very afraid we might, as you said, end up having sex, but he told me he would never. Are there any measures I can take to truly curb this?
Sorry for bothering you again. Thank you for helping me.
Answer:
Most young people discount too heavily the strength of their sexual instinct. This is why I constantly get notes from people saying, “I didn’t mean for it to go this far,” or “I don’t know what happened,” or “It was an accident.” Such statements aren’t lame excuses. They are the responses of someone who didn’t have a healthy respect for the strength of her sexual instinct.
It isn’t just you. Your boyfriend foolishly thinks he can resist the temptation to have sex, all the while removing more of his clothing and getting more intimate with you.
Solomon points out the problem when he asked, “Can a man take fire to his bosom, and his clothes not be burned?” (Proverbs 6:27). You can show a hot coal all the affection you want. You can cuddle it and dote on it, and it will still burn you. Your kindness to it doesn’t change its nature. How often do you hear someone say, “But I love her!” Solomon’s point is that your feelings toward your boyfriend won’t change the fact that both of you have built-in desires and capabilities for sex. Trigger them and they follow the instincts built into you.
Solomon also asked, “Can one walk on hot coals, and his feet not be seared?” (Proverbs 6:28). Using the same example of hot coal, if you walk on it, it will burn you. You can apologize and say you didn’t mean to step on it, but you’ll still be hurt because your intentions don’t change what it is. Thus, the excuse, “But I didn’t mean for it to go this far!” becomes an empty one because your intentions don’t change your body’s drive.
That is why Solomon concludes, “So is he who goes in to his neighbor’s wife; whoever touches her shall not be innocent” (Proverbs 6:29). Though he is talking directly about adultery, the same point is true about fornication. When you start stirring up sexual feelings, you are never innocent when things go further than you wanted. As you have noticed your behavior with your boyfriend is getting progressively worse. So far you’ve managed to avoid intercourse, but the situation keeps pushing you closer and closer to actually doing it. If something doesn’t change, eventually it is going to happen, and only after he ejaculates are you going to realize what you just did.
That is why we are told not to make room for lust and lewdness. “Let us walk properly, as in the day, not in revelry and drunkenness, not in lewdness and lust, not in strife and envy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts” (Romans 13:13-14). Lust is those thoughts and desires you keep battling about taking things even further. Lewdness is engaging in sexual foreplay that gets the body ready for intercourse. The Christian must recognize the danger and not start a sequence of events that can’t be legitimately completed.
You’re asking how to slow this down. I’m pointing out that your only safe course is to stop tempting yourself with sexual feelings.