Last updated on October 28, 2020
I am currently 16 years of age, which means I am legal to take part in sexual intercourse in my country. I am in a relationship with a boy the same age as me, and I would say we have a good relationship. The question is: Do I lose my virginity to him or not?
I am a Christian and I know all too well that sex before marriage is forbidden. Would it be an unforgivable sin if I had sex with him? I know I am not going to marry him, so eventually we will break up; but if I love him, surely that’s enough for me to be able to have sex with him.
The reason that I am doubting this is because I know that sex is supposed to be for procreation, which is best in the circumstance of marriage. If he wears a condom, is that seen as killing human life? I know it is a form of contraception, but does that mean it is as bad as an abortion?
Just because something is legal, it doesn’t follow that it is righteous. You say you are a Christian, so where do the Lord’s commands come into your decisions? “But why do you call Me ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do the things which I say?” (Luke 6:46).
Sex with someone you are not married to is called fornication. “Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God” (I Corinthians 6:9-10). People who have committed sins, such as fornication can and have been forgiven. “And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God” (I Corinthians 6:11). But true Christians do not seek out sin, even if they can be forgiven of the sin. “What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? Certainly not! How shall we who died to sin live any longer in it?” (Romans 6:1-2). Sin is against the nature of being a Christian. “Whoever has been born of God does not sin, for His seed remains in him; and he cannot sin, because he has been born of God” (I John 3:9). The very thought of sinning ought to make any Christian cringe.
I find this particularly sad that you just want the experience of sinning. You claim to love this boy, but your idea of love doesn’t match the Scriptures. “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails” (I Corinthians 13:4-8). Let’s break this down:
- Love “thinks no evil“, but you are plotting to sin with this boy. Not only will you be putting your own soul in jeopardy, but you are also putting his soul at risk as well.
- Love “does not rejoice in iniquity“, but you think it would be something wonderful to sin (Hebrews 13:4).
- “Love never fails“, but you already know this will not be a permanent relationship.
You aren’t in love. You are merely sexually aroused by this boy.
You do realize that condoms only decrease the chance of pregnancy, but they do not eliminate the possibility? If a couple has sex regularly for a year, there is an 85% chance that they will have conceived a child before the end of the year. If a couple is using condoms, the odds are reduced to 20% — it isn’t zero.
Avoiding conceiving a child doesn’t make fornication right. It is the act of having sex with someone you are not married to, not the consequences of that act, that makes it wrong.
However, you asked if preventing the conception of a child is the same as an abortion. The answer is no. In an abortion, a child is conceived — it becomes a living person, and it is then killed. With a contraceptive, such as a condom, the diaphragm, spermicide, and several other methods, the conception is prevented and no child exists. There are some “birth control” methods that don’t prevent conception but do force an early miscarriage, such as the IUD, these would be an abortive.
What I think you are doing is trying to decide how much sin you can get away with. “For if we sin willfully after we have received the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins, but a certain fearful expectation of judgment, and fiery indignation which will devour the adversaries” (Hebrews 10:26-27). A person who continues to purposely sin becomes hardened to sin. He no longer cares what God thinks and, thus, will face God’s wrath in judgment. Don’t be one of these people. Wait until marriage. Insist that the man who has sex with you has proven his love and commitment to you by first marrying you.