I behaved inappropriately when I was younger


I need urgent help, please. I am a thirteen-year-old female and committed a very great sin back when I was around 10 or 11. As a child, I’ve always been fascinated with older women and liked girls. Yes, I do like guys, but I prefer women. 

Now, my problem here is that back then, I once lusted after my abusive mother. Ever since I was young, she was always violent toward me and my sister and often hurt us whenever she was angry. She even almost killed me back when I was around 5 or 6. Now, here I was, a child deprived of love. I’ve never really experienced what parental love feels like and how to depend on one. I’ve been heavily influenced by the internet and mature stuff that came to me when I was young. What I did was unforgivable; I touched my mother in her sleep. Of course, I was young and didn’t know it was wrong; I simply thought of my desires and did it. At that time, I had completely lost faith in God because of many unfortunate incidents happening to me. I repeated this multiple times. I had completely forgotten about it, but recently, it came back to haunt me. 

I’ve changed now. I’m trying to have more faith in God and do more good deeds. I want to know how I can repent, what prayers I have to say, and what I should do. I’ve never told anyone this because I’ve only realized the shame of it now. Of course, confessing isn’t really an option for me because it’s either I’d get killed or kicked out. I know how violent my household is, and I know no amount of prayer will be able to save me. I’ve prayed multiple times, asking God what to do, but I’m clueless. Please, help me. 


God offers forgiveness for sin on very simple terms. See What Must I Do to be Saved? and Can I be forgiven if I sin after I was baptized?

What you did was wrong, but all sins can be forgiven if the person is willing to stop sinning. See Are You Unforgivable? There is no requirement to tell people that you sinned. Your stepmother was unaware of what you did. If she confronted you about it, you have to be honest and tell her that you did wrong and stopped because it was wrong. However, you don’t have to make her aware of a sin you gave up. The one that needs to be told is God.

It is wrong to act on sexual desires for people of the same gender. “For this reason God gave them over to degrading passions; for their women exchanged the natural function for that which is unnatural, and in the same way also the men abandoned the natural function of the woman and burned in their desire toward one another, men with men committing indecent acts and receiving in their own persons the due penalty of their error” (Romans 1:26-27). You might find women more comfortable and desirable, but you weren’t designed for sex with another woman.

What it comes down to is fully living life as a Christian. “Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God. Such were some of you; but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the Spirit of our God” (I Corinthians 6:9-11).