Last updated on October 24, 2020
Question:
I am 17. I lost my virginity at 15. Now I have a baby. I often feel guilty. I have asked for forgiveness and believe that I have been forgiven. How do I forgive myself and accept the fact that I messed up?
Answer:
Time can’t be reversed and you’ll just have to accept that. You made a bad choice that can’t be undone but doesn’t have to be repeated. I don’t know if you kept your child or had the child adopted. If the child is still with you, then you need to focus on raising the child well. It isn’t the child’s fault that you got caught up in the excitement and did things you now regret.
The guilt is there to remind you that you shouldn’t do this again. You need to have more respect for yourself. Any guy who wants you has to first marry you to earn rights to your body.
But once you repent of sin, you don’t need to feel guilty about who you are, only about what you once did. However, you’ve changed. You are no longer the foolish girl you once were. “Now I rejoice, not that you were made sorry, but that your sorrow led to repentance. For you were made sorry in a godly manner, that you might suffer loss from us in nothing. For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death. For observe this very thing, that you sorrowed in a godly manner: What diligence it produced in you, what clearing of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what vehement desire, what zeal, what vindication! In all things you proved yourselves to be clear in this matter” (II Corinthians 7:9-11).
Question:
That makes perfect sense. Thank you. I did keep my child, and I’m doing my best as a mother.
I have another question if you don’t mind answering. I struggle with keeping my thoughts clean and I often fantasize about women rather than men. I am only attracted to women sexually and unfortunately, I’m addicted to porn, which I masturbate to. How do I gain better control over those things?
Answer:
It is common for a person who realizes that something is wrong to go to the opposite extreme. I assume the sex that led to your child was consensual. That would imply that at one point you did find at least one male attractive. I must assume that beyond the obvious sin involved, that things about this relationship left a very bad taste in your mouth. Rather than seeing this as one badly behaving boy, you rejected all boys and turned to girls whom you feel more comfortable with. In other words, because of problems in the past you’ve turned against what is natural to a different type of sin. “For this reason God gave them up to vile passions. For even their women exchanged the natural use for what is against nature” (Romans 1:26).
You can’t fix one problem by creating a different problem.
Boys get involved in pornography, in part because of a physical need that comes with being male. Girls tend to get involved in pornography as a comfort mechanism. The hormones that are released during orgasm act as a stress release. Understanding this, you need to find a better way to relieve stress.
Because you are using pornography involving females, you are also locking into your mind that this is an acceptable way of having sex, even though clearly your body was not made for this and God said it is sinful.
Therefore, the first step is to get rid of pornography. You can’t clean up your mind while simultaneously filling it with trash. “But fornication and all uncleanness or covetousness, let it not even be named among you, as is fitting for saints; neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks. For this you know, that no fornicator, unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not be partakers with them” (Ephesians 5:3-7).
Next, you need to look at why you are masturbating. Understanding the reason why you use this as a crutch, you can then look for something actually deals with the particular problem productively. For example, if stress is the reason, masturbating doesn’t remove the cause of the stress. It only gives a moment of ignoring it. Better would be finding ways to lessen stress in your life and finding methods of coping with stress that last longer than mere moments.
Response:
Thank you for taking time out of your day and answering my questions. I will definitely use the advice given.