Last updated on October 29, 2020
Question:
Hello there,
I have been studying the Bible like it was my life for about 3-4 months now.
When I was 14-17 years old I believed in Jesus Christ but strayed away. I am 18 now and am a born again Christian. My boyfriend, who’s 23, and I have been studying the Bible together. I feel that without me he wouldn’t go to church. He attends church and gatherings for Bible studies. I believe that he has a relationship with God.
I’ve been with him for a year and have loved him like a best friend. A few days ago he told me that he had been married this entire time. God told him it was the right thing to do to tell me about it just the other day. The Lord spoke to me and told me that I am a sinner too. I too make mistakes. Until this day they are still married, and they have no money for a divorce. He does not speak to her and has no feelings for her. I forgave him and continued the relationship.
We are trying to patch things up again and make everything sound and peaceful. He and I are desperate to get married and both of us are working toward our careers. He has to go to college, but he has a diploma from a high school he did not attend. Someone from the high school he used to go to in 9th grade told him to give her $400 for an official diploma and she’d put it in the system for him as if he were in the actual school. This was seven years ago. He worked for the $400 and she gave him a legit high school diploma with his name being in the system and everything with straight A’s and all. He’s gotten several jobs because of this diploma because it is legit. I’m telling him it is wrong for him to continue to try and get a job with this diploma because it wasn’t gained the right way and more like the easy way out. I’m assuming the woman in the school system who did this kept the money to herself and does this to several kids who can give her money for a diploma. My boyfriend’s parents are also Christians and have been for 15 years. They are saying that it was probably a gift from God that he received this $400 diploma, but I’m saying you’re stealing something from your company and selling it for your own benefit. He is convinced that God gave him this blessing, but I don’t believe it was God’s work.
My boyfriend is currently unemployed and is not in school. He has not been able to get any jobs. I believe he does not have a job yet because he should get a real hard-worked and earned a GED diploma. I have a job and pay half of his phone bill. I do not have a problem with this, but I just find this strange how he has been trying so hard to get a job but still hasn’t had any. He and I are trying not to fight because he thinks he’s right, and I believe I’m right about this. What should I do? I’ve thought about breaking up with him many times more than I can think, what with all the news I’ve been finding out and all. But he gets really emotional and I feel obligated to stay. I do love him, but I just don’t understand what is going on.
When I look back at myself and deeply look into my own eye to take out its dust and not see his, I see that I might have told myself that the Lord told me I am a sinner. I know when He talks to me. I guess I am so desperate to get an answer that I don’t know what to do. I don’t plan on leaving him stranded while he gets sad for me, I’m just doing as I’m told in the Bible, not working through my own emotions but the way Jesus wants me to live. We have been really wanting to get married because we really don’t want to commit sexual sin.
Something else: He and I went to a restaurant not too long ago. He was a vegetarian at the time and playfully I told him that if he ate my chicken sandwich that I would do anything he wanted me to do (I meant this with the purest heart. All I was thinking was, maybe he would want me to buy him clothes or something for his hair or a back massage because he has back problems. I was just acting out in joy and innocently). I told him I would do anything he wanted because I felt like he was lacking proteins so maybe if he ate it, he would find it appealing that I was going to get him something after. Maybe even a smoothie! Just innocently thinking, out of nowhere he tells me that he would eat the sandwich if I let him have sex with me. I was so shocked and asked if he was joking. He said no and I forgave him and continued our date.
I let this go, and it happened again. We were at another restaurant and again I asked him if he ate the sandwich for protein I would do anything, now I already am hoping he is not going to say sex again because that would break my heart. I thought he was a man of God, you know? But then, he tells me that he would eat it for sex. Again I’m saddened, but I forgive him and let that go.
It stuns me when I think about it because I felt like he would never do this to God. I am a virgin again because I am a born again Christian with the purest intentions, but my boyfriend sometimes really surprises me and it hurts. I do not have sex and will not no matter what, but then I start to think maybe I should just marry him so that we both don’t lust or have sex before marriage. Although in the back of my mind I know this is wrong. Why should I be the barrier between his thoughts and the right thing to do? I hope you understand what I am trying to say there.
I remember a while ago when we were not converted yet into becoming full Christians. We were in his car and I told him that I was too mad at him to the point that I didn’t mind walking all the way home. He yelled and mentioned that I was going to make a really big mistake if I decided to leave him and get out of the car. I felt horrible for getting out of the car but did it anyway because I was upset. As I walking I saw a big dog walking toward me. I was a little afraid because I was alone near this dog and the dog pushed me with its head and lead me to a dead puppy. I was deeply saddened by this because it looked like the dog wanted me to do something for him, but I couldn’t do anything. It looked like the puppy might have been walking in the street and got hit by a car. I encouraged the dog to follow me home, so I could give him water and food, as I was leading the dog farther away from its dead pup it started to get really really upset. Running, barking, and even biting the heels of my shoes. It started getting dark, so I was starting to get scared. I realized he didn’t want to be away from its puppy and I guided him back to its pup. All the while he was still biting at my feet and purse. I called my boyfriend and begged him to come back to where I was because the dog wouldn’t leave me alone. It would have chased me down if I ran and really hurt me if I tried leaving its sight. My boyfriend told me on the phone that he had a really bad feeling as he was driving away from me and that he felt in his heart that he shouldn’t have left me alone. So he came as fast as he could to pick me up. When he saw the dog he felt the dog was very weird looking and didn’t trust it. I believe his discernment, he has done things that only God would allow him to do like save a child from getting hit by a train. But after this happened, I felt a strong urge to stay with him no matter what we face and so does he. Was this a sign from God that we shouldn’t separate?
Am I wrong for wanting to marry him in order to have sex and just to not think about it anymore? He says he doesn’t talk to the one he’s married to. He did this to help her get a visa and did this when he was 17. Before he converted, but even though, … I need help!
I’ve read many of your responses to questions and what I really want to know if I should marry him soon even if we’re not financially stable? I feel like I’m being tried and tempted through dreams about sex. It is horrible and even worse for him sometimes. It’s a burning feeling that doesn’t go away.
My boyfriend is a great person, but sometimes his jealousy and anger destroy my happy moods. He is really sweet and has a beautiful personality and 99% of the time puts anybody before himself. Humility is just in his nature. But the other 1% is what I’m describing to you.
I’m willing to pay for the divorce because he doesn’t have money for it. Is that the right thing to do? I just want our desire for sex to go away. Sex is not going to determine our faith in God. God comes first before anything, so we do not mind continuing to wait. But we want to make things a little cozier for each other. I’ve often gone through things mentally, maybe overthinking too much and trying to be really religious, and God would speak to my boyfriend. He will tell me exactly what I was thinking and he just shows a lot that he has a relationship with God. My parents say that I should wait before I get married because of money and my studies, but I wish they’d understand.
Answer:
I’m going to give you a logical and scriptural answer. It doesn’t mean you will like it.
The facts are that your boyfriend is a married man who has abandoned his wife. His marriage, if it ever does end, isn’t because his wife cheated on him. “And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery” (Matthew 19:9). Given this situation, if you did marry him, you would be committing adultery.
One of the problems is both of you are claiming to get direct revelations from God. This is something that God said long ago would no longer happen. “Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away” (I Corinthians 13:8-10). “That which is perfect” is referring to the Bible. “But he who looks into the perfect law of liberty and continues in it, and is not a forgetful hearer but a doer of the work, this one will be blessed in what he does” (James 1:25). It isn’t referring to Jesus because it would have said, “when he who is perfect.” Besides, notice that while the Bible was being revealed, Paul said they currently knew in part, but when that is no longer true, the gifts would stop. When God finished revealing the Bible, the gifts that helped the church get started would no longer be needed. It doesn’t mean that God doesn’t work in our lives “behind the scenes,” but it does mean that God said He would not be talking to any of us directly. We have to live by faith.
Another problem is that you keep dismissing serious character flaws in this man. He bribed his way out of high school. “And you shall take no bribe, for a bribe blinds the discerning and perverts the words of the righteous” (Exodus 23:8). He knowingly lied about his education on job applications. “But the cowardly, unbelieving, abominable, murderers, sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars shall have their part in the lake which burns with fire and brimstone, which is the second death” (Revelation 21:8). He has been dating while still married. He seriously told you that he wants to commit fornication with you, even though he knows that this is a sin. The only reason he hasn’t is that you have told him no so far. But you are hinting that he has been gently, but steadily pushing you toward sex.
Yet another difficulty is that you keep forgiving him when there is no indication that he repented. You act as if your dismissal of his sins makes everything all right. “Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him” (Luke 17:3).
He has no job at the moment. It sounds like he hasn’t been able to keep a steady job. Likely it is because of his lack of education. You might claim you passed high school with straight A’s, but you can’t keep up the pretense on the job if you really don’t have the education. In other words, it doesn’t look like he will be able to support a family easily. I don’t get the impression that he is a hard worker.
He is attentive, but you have been spending a lot of time arguing. He has trouble controlling his anger. I get hints that he is controlling as well.
If your best friend were dating a man like this, what would you advise her? I would think you tell her, “Girl, you have to be crazy! Don’t you see the trouble you are making for yourself?” The simple fact is that he is not available. He is a married man. Don’t date any married man — I don’t care what story he gives you. But even if he wasn’t married, he doesn’t have the attributes of a “keeper.”
Question:
I already knew these things. It was just a reminder that I have to live in faith and not by the flesh. I told him not to divorce his wife and he started saying destructive language and bad things toward me. His wife is with another man. They hadn’t spoken in years and I’m sure his wife and her boyfriend have sex. He married his wife because he was trying to help her get her visa. And now he wishes he never did this. But I hope they work it out because I will not marry him.
About the school, I already knew that it was wrong. Thank you for helping me not have a blind eye toward this anymore.
I want to call his father, who is a strong believer in Christ and tell him what you told me.
Answer:
If his wife is committing adultery and this is the reason for his separation from her, then after his divorce he would be permitted to marry again (Matthew 19:9). Unfortunately, I can’t be certain that you have the whole or correct story regarding his former marriage. He has already demonstrated his willingness to lie to get what he wants, so it is hard to say if this isn’t more of the same. Regardless, until he makes the effort and divorces his wife, he has no business dating other women, let alone telling them that he wants to violate God’s laws regarding sex.