We are secretly having sex and don’t know how to stop

Last updated on October 28, 2020


I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for just over a year. I love him so much. I’m 16 years old and he’s 15. My parents and his approved of our relationship since we are both Christians. We go to the same high school and have some classes together.

My boyfriend and I got really close since freshman year and we began to talk and flirt dirty, I guess. Since then we did stuff we shouldn’t do and ended up having sex — not just once, it been several times!

At first, it was great because you feel good, but when he leaves I feel so guilty about what I have done, and so does he, but every time we get a chance to do it, like when his parents aren’t home or mine, we take advantage of it and have sex. We have done it for almost half a year now. It’s bad because my relationship with him isn’t the same.

We want to stop but it’s hard. I have tried praying, and I want God to forgive us. We tried taking a break, and it’s really hard since we have classes together. He’s my best friend too! I haven’t been praying or paying attention to the ministers at church. No one knows we have sex because we are ashamed and will get into trouble. My question is what can we do to stop?

Will God forgive us since we kept doing it? We are young, but we know our relationship is serious. We plan on getting married together when we are older. And what can we do if we aren’t having sex? Sometimes he has nothing to talk to me about since we are always together.


I can tell you what needs to be done, but unless both of you are committed to putting God first in your lives, it won’t work. One of you will always be tempting the other one to have sex one more time. You’ll have intentions of doing better, but with some commitment that this is the better way, you won’t make it.

God wants people out of the trap of sin. He is always willing to forgive if a sinner is willing to leave his sin. “The Lord is not slack concerning His promise, as some count slackness, but is longsuffering toward us, not willing that any should perish but that all should come to repentance” (II Peter 3:9). Repentance is key. Without a change of mind about what you are doing and a change in behavior, you will merely continue to sin. “I tell you, no; but unless you repent you will all likewise perish” (Luke 13:3).

Right now you regret sinning after it is done, but you really don’t see it as being all that wrong. You excuse it because you have intentions to marry this boy. However, intention is not reality. A lot can change as you both mature. I do hope you marry, but you can’t count on what you don’t have. “Whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away” (James 4:14). Intentions don’t change the hard fact that you are sinning. “Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God” (I Corinthians 6:9-10).

Another excuse that you are giving yourself is that you are bored and there is nothing else to do. One of the reasons sex before marriage is bad for a relationship is that it dominates the relationship. You stop building your friendship because physical pleasure dominates everything. Notice that before the sex began, you did have things to do together that were not sexual and things to talk about. Now all you talk about is sex and you can hardly wait for the next chance to be alone so you can do it again. This is not the way to build a relationship that will lead to a happy, long-lasting marriage. Even sex is eventually going to get old. It will still be fun, but the spark will wear off. That’s when a lot of couples end up splitting up. See: Marriage’s Glue.

Even when you tried fixing the problem, notice you are not putting effort into the relationship. You dropped everything because you fear that any contact will lead you right back to having sex again. And actually, because you haven’t really changed the nature of the relationship, you’re probably right. But what is needed is a building of a relationship where sex isn’t involved. I know, easy to say, but hard to do. It means setting proper boundaries where even starting sex isn’t allowed. And for that to happen, it will need the commitment of both of you.