Last updated on October 31, 2020
Question
Hello!
I am a child of God. I promised God to not have sex until marriage. I was dating this guy and he asked me to come over to his house. His parents would not be there. He also wanted me to spend the night, but I said I couldn’t do that. I had said “no” to countless guys before when the question of sex came up. I was planning on doing this again if the question came up.
I talked with my mother, who knows how important abstinence is to me, and she agreed that I could go over to his house, even though we would be alone. She knows how much of a strong lady I am when it comes to saying “no,” and she also knows that I would never have sex before marriage, no matter how much I was tempted, or how much I liked the guy.
The guy I was dating and I were talking about how far we would go sexually on a date the next day. I told him just kissing and he was fine with that.
The next day came and I got ready to go over to his house. Once I drove to his house, he immediately takes me to his bedroom. I just thought we were going to watch a movie since we had established the night before that I didn’t want to do anything sexually. He gets into his room and he says that we were going to watch a movie. I said okay and he said have a seat on the bed. So I sat down on the bed and a little bit into the movie he starts to kiss me. He told me that if I kissed his neck, I was done. I didn’t like the sound of that and I got a weird feeling from that statement. I wasn’t going to kiss his neck anyway, but I especially didn’t want to know what he meant when he said I’d be done.
He kept trying to take the kiss further by touching my breasts and kissing further and further down my stomach, and putting his hands on the outside of the crotch of my jeans. I pulled his hand away and lifted up his face. I had to put some force into it because he was resisting me stopping him. I stopped him every time, and every time he kept trying to take it further. I even said “no” multiple times. He then laid on top of me. I didn’t really like that, but I didn’t say anything. He then started to grind on me, and he started off slow. I didn’t realize what he was doing at first since it felt like he was just adjusting how he was laying. He sped up and went faster and faster until he ejaculated. The whole time I kept thinking, “I don’t like this. I don’t like this. I want to go home.” and I was trying not to cry.
I didn’t tell him “no” when he was grinding on me, but I figure that having established the ground rules the night before, I shouldn’t have had to say no. He knew the rules, and he broke them. I also felt like if I would have said “no” he would have stopped, but I was scared. I was scared of what he would do or say. I felt like it wasn’t really sexual assault since I never said no in that specific moment when he was grinding on me, but looking back now, he knew that I didn’t want to go that far, and he still took it that far.
We stopped dating after that. By definition in the Bible, I am no longer a virgin since he used my body to stimulate his genitals (both of our clothes were on, by the way), but I didn’t know if the Bible said anything about whether or not it was to be consensual for someone to lose their virginity.
Please respond as soon as you can. Thanks!
Answer:
While he behaved sexually with you, what happened does not mean you are no longer a virgin. He was rude and lascivious. It doesn’t matter that you didn’t say “no” at that moment. You did say “no” repeatedly and never said “yes.”
But let’s review what you could have done differently.
- Never go to a boy’s home when his parents aren’t there. While you are determined not to sin, you were assuming that you could control the situation. Boys tend to be stronger than girls. You can’t assume that a guy won’t use force to rape you.
- Never go into a boy’s bedroom with the door closed or others are not around. People tend to be more comfortable in their own bedrooms and may take liberties if they think they won’t be caught.
- You should not have ignored your instincts when he hinted that he was going to do something to you. Unfortunately, that can be vague and it isn’t until hindsight that you realize the hint was there.
- You should have walked out of the house as soon as he inappropriately touched you. You stayed too long because you thought you could control the situation. Notice how you locked up when he laid on top of you instead of tossing him off.
I’m glad you dumped him, but learn from this that you should not put yourself in dangerous situations.
Response:
Mr. Hamilton,
Thank you for responding. I now have a better understanding of what I should have done differently and what the actual situation entailed. I pray that God forgives my faults in the situation as well as his. This helped my understanding of myself and my feelings toward the situation.
Thank you so much!