Last updated on October 29, 2020
I’m a 21-year-old female. My boyfriend and I have been dating for less than a year. I’m really worried because we have been engaging in some activities which I believe are against the Word of the Living God. We are both saved, but it has been hard for us to keep our hands off of each other especially when we are alone.
This was a progressive matter as we started very slowly and progressed rapidly. We started with lightly kissing and the touching of the bums on the outside of the clothing, but it has recently progressed to us being in his room heavily kissing while he is touching the upper part of my body by lifting my shirt and putting his hands in my pants and rubbing his finger on my vaginal area.
I wanted to tell him to stop but it just felt so good, so I just went with the flow. I got home that night unable to sleep at ease and very uncomfortable with myself. I just really want to know if what we are doing is a sin in the eyes of God or if this will bring us closer in our relationship with one another because I really want us to be pure in the eyes of God and to lead holy lives as His children, but I can’t tell him to stop because of the aroused feeling and how good it feels. Yet I want us to stop because I’m concerned about our purity before the Lord’s eyes.
Please do help because I’m really in need of the answers you will give me. I hope I wasn’t too detailed, but I had to describe it as it is my first time experiencing this. I’m just so really confused and scared that I’m doing things and God is not happy with us.
You have been engaged in sexual touching, which is also forbidden to unmarried couples. “Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman” (I Corinthians 7:1). Sexual touching rarely remains the only sin. Sexual sins have a way of progressing because a part of the appeal is the excitement, which wears off when sin is repeated. Therefore, new sins are sought out.
If things progress further to intercourse, there will be little you can do to prevent it and you will not be able to claim it was unintentional. It is like walking along the very edge of a cliff and claiming you have no intention of falling off. “Can a man take fire to his bosom, and his clothes not be burned? Can one walk on hot coals, and his feet not be seared? So is he who goes in to his neighbor’s wife; Whoever touches her shall not be innocent” (Proverbs 6:27-29).
Solomon points out the problem when he asked, “Can a man take fire to his bosom, and his clothes not be burned?” (Proverbs 6:27). You can show a hot coal all the affection you want. You can cuddle it and dote on it and it will still burn you. Your kindness to it doesn’t change its nature. How often do you hear someone say, “But I love him!” Solomon’s point is that your feelings toward your boyfriend won’t change the fact that both of you have built-in desires and capabilities for sex. Trigger them and they follow the instincts built into you.
Solomon also asked, “Can one walk on hot coals, and his feet not be seared?” (Proverbs 6:28). Using the same example of hot coal, if you walk on it, it will burn you. You can apologize and say you didn’t mean to step on it, but you’ll still be hurt because your intentions don’t change what it is. Thus, the excuse, “But I didn’t mean for it to go this far!” becomes an empty one because your intentions don’t change your body’s drive.
That is why Solomon concludes, “So is he who goes in to his neighbor’s wife; whoever touches her shall not be innocent” (Proverbs 6:29). Though he is talking directly about adultery, the same point is true about fornication. When you start intentionally stirring up sexual feelings, you are never innocent when things go further than you wanted.
That is why we are told not to make room for lust and lewdness. “Let us walk properly, as in the day, not in revelry and drunkenness, not in lewdness and lust, not in strife and envy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts” (Romans 13:13-14). Lust is those thoughts and desires you keep battling about taking things even further. Lewdness is engaging in sexual foreplay that gets the body ready for intercourse. The Christian must recognize the danger and not start a sequence of events that can’t be legitimately completed.
Whether your boyfriend wants to admit it or not, his goal is clear. He is aiming to have sex with you. He knows that when you are sexually aroused that you don’t think clearly, so each time he is able to get away with just a little more sinful behavior. The time to make decisions is not when you are being sexually touched by him. You need to realize that he is leading you deeper into sin because it feels good.