Last updated on October 31, 2020
I have a very important question to ask. I am someone who fears God very much, yet feels lost and empty. I don’t feel Him in me anymore like how I use to. It’s like I cast Him away because of the sin of the desire of my flesh. I’ve done something terrible; yet, I can’t control myself. I am in desperate need of answers and advice.
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years long distance. During our second year, while I was visiting him, we committed fornication, and it didn’t stop there. He wanted to have sex every moment we had the chance to see each other, and we saw each other only 5 times since then. No matter how hard we try, we both can’t stop. Neither of us was a virgin when we first started. We have a love for each other, and I read in the Bible that it is better to marry than burn with desire; yet, we are burning unstoppable. I live with my strict parents and whenever it takes 4-6 months to see him, inside of my body, it burns and it tempts me just as it tempts him.
Lately, we’ve realized what we’ve been doing was wrong. We want to stop, but we’re still tempted. My boyfriend doesn’t want to do it again because we believe it’s right to not do it again. But, you see, I have not seen him for seven months now. I cannot control myself as I use to. It’s like I’ve lost my self-control just as he has, so is it best to marry now before it’s too late and we’re tempted to do it again? Or have we gone too far already that we deserve punishment from God?
I need some answers from the Bible that could help us. Please, I’ve read but I don’t understand or I can’t find the answer I’m looking for. Is it wrong if we do it again while we’re not married, even though we do want to get married?
I appreciate your time. Thank you.
There are items here that show flawed thinking:
- You see yourself as a devoted Christian, even though you’ve been committing fornication. “Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God” (I Corinthians 6:9-10). A faithful Christian has surrendered his life to Christ. It is never about what I want, but what Christ desires. “I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me” (Galatians 6:20). Otherwise, why call Jesus your Lord? “Why do you call Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say?” (Luke 6:46).
- You see your relationship with Christ as one based on your feelings; yet, we are told that feelings are an unreliable guide. “He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, but he who walks wisely will be delivered” (Proverbs 28:26). The reason you’ve been committing fornication is that you are letting your feelings guide your behavior instead of God’s teachings.
- You see sin as acceptable in certain situations. You won’t find this in the Bible. Sin is sin. Your plans for the future do not make sin acceptable. Besides, you have no control over the future. What you plan might not take place.
- You’ve excused your sin by saying we’ve done it in the past, so it isn’t so bad that we are continuing them.
- You have deceived yourself into thinking you have no control over your behavior. God has said otherwise: “No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it” (I Corinthians 10:13). You have always had the ability to reject this sin each and every time. You just have chosen sin over righteousness.
Consider that when you claim you have no control over your behavior, you are stating that you will be a totally untrustworthy wife. How will he ever know that you won’t commit adultery because you once again had no control?
“But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I. But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion” (I Corinthians 7:8-9). Marriage is a better option than this foolish continuance of fornication.
With God, the only “too late” is when you are dead. “For whoever is joined with all the living, there is hope; surely a live dog is better than a dead lion” (Ecclesiastes 9:4). God wants you to leave your sins behind. It is you who won’t let them go. ““Do I have any pleasure in the death of the wicked,” declares the Lord GOD, “rather than that he should turn from his ways and live?”” (Ezekiel 18:23).
I’m positive the reason this has gotten out of control is that you are only focused on the sin of fornication while excusing numerous other sins that lead up to fornication. See: Is it OK to be sexual with someone you will marry soon?