Last updated on February 9, 2022
After I finished high school I got addicted to watching pornography and this made me masturbate. I was 18 at the time. As a result, I lost my virginity to masturbation. After a few months, I stopped because I felt that God was watching me and I felt I was doing the wrong thing. I asked God to forgive me and life went on well. I was so happy I had stopped doing all the bad things.
I went to college and life was good in my first year. After my second year, I changed totally. I stopped going to church despite the fact that I was a Christian Union leader. I used to feel so bad about not going to church but I just let it slide.
The next year I relocated to my own apartment a thousand miles from home due to studies. I have always been attracted to cute boys and after they approached me, we would be friends and engage in kissing but I have never allowed one of them to touch my private parts. I sometimes feel guilty for kissing so many boys. I never allowed them to have sex with me because my mum always told me that “boys only want to have sex with you then leave you” so I didn’t dare sleep with any boy and I knew fornication is a sin.
Then I met this boy who is currently my boyfriend. After being friends for a few months he proposed that I be his girlfriend, and I said yes. In the second week of our relationship, we attempted sex but there was no penetration at all. I was so surprised that I even allowed him to take off my pants, but then that night we were a little drunk.
After that, we stayed apart for about a week and tried it again. There was semi-penetration at that time. I felt so bad that I told him to break up with me, but he refused. He said that he loved me so much but what I felt about him was hatred for having sex with me.
Since then we’ve done it six times now. Every time I feel guilty after doing it and I condemn myself for committing such a sin. There was a time when I burned myself twice for having sex because I felt I had disappointed God, my mum, and myself too. I hate sex but the reason why I do it is that my boyfriend can’t control himself around me and I always pity him if I don’t have sex with him.
I have always had big dreams to travel abroad meet new people and maybe marry, but then after I committed fornication I always feel that everything changed in the future and I feel so bad about it because traveling abroad has been my childhood dream.
I have realized I have lost my self-control. I don’t pray to God as much as I used to. I feel that I have sinned a big sin that I feel unworthy of God’s forgiveness.
Can God really forgive me after all the evil and bad things I have done? Can my dreams come to pass? What can you advise me to do?
Whether you are forgiven depends completely on whether you change your ways. “I tell you, no, but unless you repent, you will all likewise perish” (Luke 13:3). You claim to be a Christian, but there is no difference in your behavior from what can be found in most worldly people. “For the time already past is sufficient for you to have carried out the desire of the Gentiles, having pursued a course of sensuality, lusts, drunkenness, carousing, drinking parties and abominable idolatries” (I Peter 4:3). Thus, you are going to have to decide if you want eternal life or a temporary life of chasing pleasure.
What I notice is that you are avoiding taking responsibility for what you have done. You described your sins as things done to you. When your boyfriend started using you for his sexual gratification, you didn’t say “no.” You asked him to break up with you. Of course, he refused. If he broke up with you, he would stop getting to have sex. You talk about how much you don’t like what is happening, but you don’t do anything.
This isn’t about how you feel but about what you do. “For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may be recompensed for his deeds in the body, according to what he has done, whether good or bad” (II Corinthians 5:10).
“But if the wicked man turns from all his sins which he has committed and observes all My statutes and practices justice and righteousness, he shall surely live; he shall not die. All his transgressions which he has committed will not be remembered against him; because of his righteousness which he has practiced, he will live. Do I have any pleasure in the death of the wicked,” declares the Lord GOD, “rather than that he should turn from his ways and live?” (Ezekiel 18:21-23).
Thank you so much for the reply.
I broke up with the boy I used to be with because I felt I can’t continue sinning against God. I take responsibility for everything that I did because I allowed the boy to touch me. I’m a sinner. I’ve committed sexual sins, and I have confessed to God about everything I have done.
I really need your help because I feel what if I’ve made the wrong choice in breaking up with him. He’s a good person. But I also feel that I should stop sinning, stop doing sexual sins, and choose God’s way.
Can you help and advise me, please?
You say that your ex-boyfriend is a good person. “Good” by whose standards? Are you saying he’s good because he has been nice to you or are you saying that God would see him good? The latter cannot be true since he is intent on committing fornication.
My guess is that you are concerned about finding a better man to date. Good men are harder to find than wicked men, but that doesn’t mean the task is impossible. Take your time. Hold to God’s standards and God will take care of you.