Last updated on April 22, 2022
Question:
I recently gave my boyfriend a handjob for the first time. I have felt bad ever since. We’ve talked about it and decided to not do it again and to not do anything that could lead up to sex. I fear that we can’t be forgiven. I truly feel sorry about doing it but I’m scared that God won’t forgive me. I repent from that sin and will try to not fall into temptation. Will God be able to forgive me?
Answer:
Sin tends to be progressive. We excuse our behavior because “nothing bad has happened yet;” by this people mean that a boy hasn’t put his penis in, or that he hasn’t ejaculated inside a girl, or that she hasn’t gotten pregnant — all depending on how far a person wants to excuse her behavior. But if you are willing to let a guy expose his penis or touch your private areas, what is going to stop the two of you from going a bit farther next time? If each time you go just a little bit farther, logic says eventually you will be engaging in full intercourse.
Because there is a progression, I can be highly certain that this wasn’t the first act of inappropriate touching. I would suspect that he, and possibly you, weren’t appropriately clothed since you had access to his penis. This sin didn’t start when you put your hand on his penis.
Let’s take a look at what God has said about your behavior. “Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband” (I Corinthians 7:1-2). By “touch” Paul is not saying a man and woman cannot hold hands or give a chaste “goodnight” kiss, he is stating the men and woman should not touch each other in sexual ways. It is a phrase found several times in the Old Testament:
“But Abimelech had not come near her; and he said, “Lord, will You slay a righteous nation also?” (Genesis 20:4).
“So is he who goes in to his neighbor’s wife; whoever touches her shall not be innocent” (Proverbs 6:29).
The fact of the matter is that you engaged in sexual touching. While it hasn’t yet reached full sexual intercourse, it is still a sin because it was taking place outside of marriage. Put it in another context and you will probably agree. Just imagine that five years from now you marry this boy and one day you walk in and find some woman’s hands on your husband’s penis, would you accept the plea: “But nothing really happened!”? I can’t imagine any sane woman accepting this situation. So what is the problem?
Sexual touch isn’t independent of sexual thoughts and feelings. It inflames sexual desire. “Beloved, I beg you as sojourners and pilgrims, abstain from fleshly lusts which war against the soul” (I Peter 2:11). Those engaged in sexual touch are thinking about sex, but not in the context of marriage. The thought of committing a sin is equally as bad as the actual act. “But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28). He may not have put his penis into your vagina yet, but I guarantee that the thought crossed his mind and yours. What she is doing is reducing your will to resist when the opportunity comes to go all the way. As I said, it is a progression. “You’ve gone this far, going a little bit farther is no different.”
“For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one should take advantage of and defraud his brother in this matter, because the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also forewarned you and testified” (I Thessalonians 4:3-6). Through passion and lust, this boy is taking advantage of you. He may claim to love you, but what he really loves is the sexual excitement you give him. “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth” (I Corinthians 13:4-6). Massaging his penis is not an act of true love when you two are not married.
Now, in regards to forgiveness, your view of God is completely wrong. You imagine God as someone just looking for an excuse to keep people out of heaven. God doesn’t need an excuse. No man qualifies “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23). It makes it all the more amazing that God did something about the problem. “The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance” (II Peter 3:9). You can’t remain in sin and be forgiven, but if you are willing to radically change and leave sin, God is willing to offer forgiveness. The point is that there is no sin God won’t forgive if a person will just let it go.