Last updated on November 1, 2020
I’m a 13-year-old female and I’m struggling. I’m afraid I might be homosexual or even bisexual. I’ve had thoughts like this since I was little, but they’ve never been as troubling as they are now. Deep down, I know that homosexuality is a sin and is wrong. However, as I start to think about these thoughts more and actually consider the fact that they can be true, it seems less wrong.
I talked to my Mom about this, and she told me that I wouldn’t be worrying so much if it hasn’t become so accepted in society nowadays. That makes sense, but I admit to watching lesbian pornography multiple times and enjoyed it, but immediately after I regret it and am less interested. I’ve never acted on these thoughts, though one instance could’ve been something of the sort. I don’t want to be like this.
These obsessive sexual thoughts consume my life. Part of me thinks that because these thoughts are unwanted and they’re causing me so much trouble, they can’t be true. My Mom says I’ve convinced myself that I might be a part of the LGBT community. I think of being in a situation with a girl, and I don’t know if I want that in life or not. I want to be normal, but my mind makes me doubt my sexuality. Almost anything turns me on – and sometimes, an attractive woman turns me on more than an attractive man, and I get really anxious and start worrying and panicking. My mom explained to me that I have anxiety and obsession issues and that I’ve had an obsessive personality since I was little. She has usually been able to talk me out of my problems fairly easily, but the fact that I still have doubts even after she’s had conversations with me scares me.
This just feels so real, like I actually have the possibility of being homosexual or bisexual. Also, I’m not as close to God as I’d like to be. I’ve sinned many times, and afterward I feel bad about it, but just end of doing it again later. Please help me. I don’t know where to turn.
Of course, many things turn you on sexually, you are a young woman who recently gained sexual feelings. Your physical body is interested in sexual feelings and it takes time for your brain to fine-tune those feelings toward the appropriate person. But like many young people today, you have accepted a lie that because you feel something, therefore you have to act on it.
The sin of homosexuality is when two women or two men act sexual with each other. There is also a lust for homosexuality, which is a sin of the mind. It is when a woman wants to have sex with another woman so badly that she imagines doing it in her mind and seeks to excuse it as acceptable.
It is popular today to mix the ideas of attraction, temptation, and curiosity as if they equivalent to the actual deed. People have been told so often that homosexuality is genetic, they assume that if they have the least feeling of attraction to the same gender, then they must be homosexual. What people are missing is that science has proven that homosexuality is not genetic. No one is born a homosexual. See: “Are gays ‘born that way’? Most Americans now say yes, but science says no.“
Attraction just means you like how something looks, such as the female body. What you are wrestling with is the temptation of homosexuality, but being tempted is not a sin. However, when you start accepting it and imagining yourself committing acts of homosexuality, you have moved beyond temptation and into the realm of lust. The pornography you are watching is not helping matters. “For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do not know God” (I Thessalonians 4:3-5).
So what you’re saying is that homosexuality is the act of having sex with someone of the same gender? What if I have strong thoughts, and sometimes feelings, to commit such acts? Does that make me a homosexual?
Stealing is when you take something that belongs to another person. Lust is when you really want to steal an item and are willing to break laws to do so, but you have not actually done it. Temptation is when the thought crosses your mind that you could steal.
Temptation happens all the time, but being tempted doesn’t make you a thief. Lust is wrong because you’ve mentally accepted the sin, but you are still not a thief at that point. It is only when you take the item that you have become a thief.
In the same way, homosexuality is the action, lust is when you accepted that you are willing to sin, and temptation is when the thought crosses your mind that you could sin. It sounds like you have been toying with lust for homosexuality, but that doesn’t make you a homosexual.
So, just because I have these thoughts and temptations, as you’ve called them, that doesn’t make me gay? I am hopefully going to end up with a man then, rather than a woman. My biggest fear, however, is the “lust” and desire growing so strong that I act on it. I mean it when I say this: I don’t want to be gay. I know it’s wrong. I just have doubts, and they’re hard to deal with at times.
“For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed the evil thoughts, fornications, thefts, murders, adulteries, deeds of coveting and wickedness, as well as deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride and foolishness. All these evil things proceed from within and defile the man” (Mark 7:21-23).
When you focus on sin and accept them, then it is a short step to actually committing the sin. “But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust. Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death” (James 1:14-15).
No sin is inevitable. You always have a choice to reject sin. “No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it” (I Corinthians 10:13). This doesn’t mean it is easy. You have to reject what Satan is offering despite how much you desire it. “Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you” (James 4:7).
Therefore, instead of focusing on where you don’t want to go, look to where you are heading. Stop looking at pornography, which gives a warped view of what sex is really about. Adulthood and its responsibilities will eventually come, but in the meantime enjoy your teenage years without adding complications that don’t need to be there. “Rejoice, young man, during your childhood, and let your heart be pleasant during the days of young manhood. And follow the impulses of your heart and the desires of your eyes. Yet know that God will bring you to judgment for all these things. So, remove grief and anger from your heart and put away pain from your body, because childhood and the prime of life are fleeting” (Ecclesiastes 11:9-10).