Every time I’m alone with my boyfriend we end up having sex

Last updated on October 31, 2020


Hi minister,

I’m a 19-year-old girl and I’m struggling with a major issue. I have been committing the sin of fornication and I can’t seem to take control. I have a boyfriend. We are both Christians and love the Lord, but as soon as we are alone the thought and desire for sex is so high. I know right from wrong, but I just can’t control myself. I feel so bad after sex like I let my guard down. I let God down. I’m a failure to God and His Word to keep our garments and body holy and acceptable for God. I feel so empty, like a broken vessel. I am so emotionless about the situation sin has made my life living without a cause.

Please I need your help and your advice on how to get over this ordeal. I have never confided in anyone, but I am seeking help as I can’t hold onto this secret anymore.

Thank you for your assistance. It will be greatly appreciated.


Would you say that a child, who purposely broke his parents’ rules, loves his parents? Perhaps on some level, he believes he loves them, but that love doesn’t extend to respecting their wishes. Jesus bluntly said, “If you love Me, keep My commandments” (John 14:15).

God’s laws have never been too difficult to keep. “For this commandment which I command you today is not too difficult for you, nor is it out of reach. It is not in heaven, that you should say, ‘Who will go up to heaven for us to get it for us and make us hear it, that we may observe it?’ Nor is it beyond the sea, that you should say, ‘Who will cross the sea for us to get it for us and make us hear it, that we may observe it?’ But the word is very near you, in your mouth and in your heart, that you may observe it” (Deuteronomy 30:11-14). As Moses told the Israelites, God does ask the impossible of His children. Those laws are there to protect us from harm. “Now, Israel, what does the LORD your God require from you, but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in all His ways and love Him, and to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to keep the LORD’S commandments and His statutes which I am commanding you today for your good?” (Deuteronomy 10:12-13).

Thus, Paul tells us, “No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it” (I Corinthians 10:13). There is a way out of any temptation to sin. The temptation to sin will still be desirable, but it doesn’t mean you must give in. As an example, you say that whenever you are alone with your boyfriend, you end up having sex. Well, the most obvious answers are: don’t be alone with this boy or dump him as a boyfriend since he is degrading your morals. “Do not be deceived: “Evil company corrupts good habits”” (I Corinthians 15:33). I know this sounds severe, but your priorities have to be considered.

I don’t know if you realize this, but your note sounds like you aren’t really emotionally involved anymore in this relationship. You make it sound as if it is just animalistic desire, but that you’ve become numb to it. It reminds me of Paul’s warning: “But the Spirit explicitly says that in later times some will fall away from the faith, paying attention to deceitful spirits and doctrines of demons, by means of the hypocrisy of liars seared in their own conscience as with a branding iron” (I Timothy 4:1-2). You’ve broken God’s laws so often then you’ve become numb to it. Am I correct in guessing that it is your boyfriend who initiates these sexual escapades? And that he works at getting the two of you into situations where you just happen to be alone?

One of the reasons sex outside of marriage is dangerous is that it is such a strong impulse that it quickly dominates a relationship. It becomes the primary reason for getting together. I suspect that the two of you rarely spend time just talking anymore, especially when you have some quiet time together. Sex probably enters most of your conversations. What eventually happens is that because the relationship stops growing, it falls apart.

Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge” (Hebrews 13:4).

It is time to make a change.