How do I help my friend who recently lost her virginity?

Last updated on October 30, 2020



I have a friend who just had sex with a friend. She says a little blood came out and there was pain but after the act, which took like 3-5 minutes, she was able to walk and do everything as normal. Do you think she really broke her virginity? She feels confused, and she feels like all is lost. She regrets it and above all, she doesn’t know how to go back to God. I’ve asked her to relax trying to help, but I need your help on how to help through this.


Yes, her hymen was broken and, yes, she is no longer a virgin. She sinned by having sex outside of marriage. “Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge” (Hebrews 13:4).

While people have a tendency to rate some sins worse than others, God sees all sins as equally bad. To return to God, she has to change her mind about fornication. She cannot continue to see it as something acceptable for a Christian to do. And she has to change her behavior. “For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death. For observe this very thing, that you sorrowed in a godly manner: What diligence it produced in you, what clearing of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what vehement desire, what zeal, what vindication! In all things you proved yourselves to be clear in this matter” (II Corinthians 7:10-11). Her sin didn’t start when the boy entered her. Long before that moment, she was involved in lust and lewd behavior. “Let us walk properly, as in the day, not in revelry and drunkenness, not in lewdness and lust, not in strife and envy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts” (Romans 13:13-14). If she understands that fornication is wrong, then she cannot allow improper behavior to begin. “Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman” (I Corinthians 7:1). Nor can she talk as if she finds it acceptable. “But fornication and all uncleanness or covetousness, let it not even be named among you, as is fitting for saints; neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks. For this you know, that no fornicator, unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not be partakers with them” (Ephesians 5:3-7). That would include not sending sexual messages or pictures.

Along with this radical change, she needs to talk with God and admit that what she had been doing is wrong. “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (I John 1:9). What God promises is not a “maybe” but an absolute certainty because God never lies.