Last updated on April 22, 2022
I am 17, and I’m in a promising relationship, I had a break up with the guy when I thought I was pregnant, which I later found out wasn’t true. We promised not to touch each other so we got back together. I lied to him that I had an abortion and, up until today, he believes I still had an abortion.
Initially, when we started the relationship, I told him that I won’t give him sex, and he agreed to that. But later he came to see me at my university and spent a night with me in my room. That was how the first stages of sex started. When I returned from the university, I visited him and the same act continued until we eventually had sex just once. I am still feeling guilty about the whole incident and have asked God for forgiveness because I have sinned against Him totally.
I need help. I am still feeling guilty and have anger toward my boyfriend because we both have a Christian background and know the truth. We set up standards together and still let them down. I have made promises to God and myself. We even made promises together not to engage in this immoral act, but we can’t keep them.
I love him and he loves me too. We both have the same goal to end up together as a couple. He wants to marry me but I am not ready now because I’m still at the university and because he is from a polygamous home and lives in a different state than mine. I feel, after telling my mum he was the one that tried having sex with me initially when I thought I was pregnant, that she won’t accept him as a husband to me.
How do I keep to the standards I have set out and not compromise? How do I get away from memories of my past experiences and things I have lost as a result of this relationship? How do I save my relationship from the sin of fornication? How can my mum accept him as the genuine guy he is? How do I overcome the pain of not being a virgin? How do I build a healthy relationship with standards with him? I will appreciate it deeply if you would help me answer these questions.
I understand that you hold your boyfriend responsible for what happened, but I suspect that you are also angry at yourself for letting it happen.
I don’t know your boyfriend’s view of the events so I am going to confine my remarks to what you need to do. Please don’t take this as excusing your boyfriend’s behavior.
While you seem to have good intentions, you kept compromising. Like many teenagers, I’m sure you were convinced that you had the situation under control and that there would not be any problems. Thus, you allowed the boy to spend the night in your room convinced that nothing would happen. When things went too far, you told yourself that it wasn’t too bad since sex didn’t take place. But sin always progresses and so, predictably, sex did take place. What you need to understand is that sin didn’t first take place when you had sex. It started before.
I’m not certain why you lied about having an abortion unless you were looking for sympathy from him and thought this would keep him with you. However, this becomes another sin and one you can’t blame anyone but yourself for.
You want your mother to accept your boyfriend; yet, at the same time, you don’t accept him since you blame the events on him. Of course, your mother doesn’t trust him. After all, he didn’t treat you with the respect that she believes you deserve. And beyond all of this, you are not even certain you want to marry him.
What you need to do is think long and hard about what you want out of life. Our time here on earth is short so I hope you see serving God as a priority. You’ve made numerous mistakes in the past but they don’t need to continue into the future.
Since you understand that sex before marriage is wrong, then you need to behave as if sex is not an option. Too often people are focused on not committing fornication and forget that fornication isn’t the only sexual sin. “So this I say, and affirm together with the Lord, that you walk no longer just as the Gentiles also walk, in the futility of their mind, being darkened in their understanding, excluded from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, because of the hardness of their heart; and they, having become callous, have given themselves over to sensuality for the practice of every kind of impurity with greediness” (Ephesians 4:17-19). Sensuality is the idea of chasing after things that make you physically feel good, especially things that are sexually stimulating. Thus, “making out,” which refers to heavy kissing, heavy petting, nudity, and other sexual acts that don’t include sexual penetration are just as sinful and fornication. Sensuality is wrong because it fans the flames of wanting to commit fornication.
For this reason, all sexual touching is forbidden when you are not married. “Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman” (I Corinthians 7:1). It doesn’t matter whether it is under clothing or over clothing, sexual touching is arousing the desire to go further. It isn’t fornication, but it is still sinful.
Therefore, you need to ask yourself if you can date this guy without getting involved in acts that stimulate the desire for sex. The odds are that if you insist on proper behavior, he will leave to find easier pickings. But there is a chance that he actually wants to behave as a Christian ought to behave and will agree to the terms.
You have to make your choice and then see what choice he is going to make. I can’t guarantee that he will remain with you. If he treats you properly as a young Christian woman, it is likely your mother will start accepting him.
In regards to your virginity, there is no way to turn back the clock. You made your decision and gave that away. You are no longer the innocent girl you once were. But you don’t have to continue down the road you took by mistake, you can change course and focus on pleasing God.
Thank you so much, sir. I appreciate the encouragement this has brought me. I pray God strengthens me to keep to the decisions I have made.