Question:
I recently turned 14. At the age of 7, something happened with a cousin that no one but my family knows about. After that, I started masturbating. I never realized or knew it was bad until a few years later. I repented and got extremely close to God and had a strong relationship with Him. But once COVID started, I unknowingly fell back into sin and was very distant from God. In the very beginning of COVID, I got OCD, depression, my anxiety grew and got really bad, and was stressed about anything. It affected me and still does to the point where I hurt myself, especially when I repeat this sin because I can’t live with myself anymore. I have thoughts of suicide and have attempted it, but I know if I do it, I won’t get to heaven only hell.
Now, all the time when I go to church, I repent strongly and I hear God and feel He forgives me but the next day or same week I do it again and once I’m doing it I freeze. I don’t know why, but I do and I hate myself for that. I repent as soon as I do it, but it’s been going on for 7 years. I can’t go on like this anymore. At this point, I really don’t care what has to be done just as long as it stops. I don’t care if I lose my sight, hearing, speech, or ability to move.
I read the Bible multiple times or at least once a day and try to talk to God almost every day but the devil won’t leave me alone with these thoughts. I just need it to stop because I can’t do this anymore. I know God is disappointed in me and I feel like He won’t forgive me anymore. I just need to know if He does and if I still have hope. Please pray for me.
Answer:
I’m glad you wrote.
It is common for children who were sexually abused in some way to have difficulty handling their emotions when they get to puberty. When they were children, they didn’t fully understand the significance of what happened. When they are older then understanding comes, but now it is in conflict with their memories.
For females, masturbating gives feelings of pleasure and can release hormones to relieve stress. It isn’t that it is directly wrong, it just doesn’t accomplish much. It doesn’t solve the causes of stress and the pleasure it gives is temporary and a bit artificial in nature. Basically, when the urge is there, you should be looking at what is behind the urge and see if you can’t fix the real problem.
The same thing comes from self-harm. I suspect the impulse behind it is a feeling that you need to punish yourself, but that is never true. Punishment exists to make someone realize they need to change. But punishing yourself doesn’t work because you already desire a change. What you really need is someone to talk to — to get your feelings out in the open where you can examine them and deal with them.
If you want to talk with me about what is going on in more detail, I’m willing to listen.