Last updated on November 2, 2020
Question:
Hi,
This isn’t truly a question but it may lead to that. My boyfriend and I have been together for a few months. We have gotten into topics about sex and our bodies. The other day we were talking on a video chat. He showed me his butt on camera while playing around with me.
Mind you, we both believe in Jesus, and he wants to marry me one day. He would like to marry me soon, but I’m still wanting to make sure this is something that is good for both of us.
As we video chatted, things escalated. He started asking to see my butt. I told him, “I didn’t know if this is right. I don’t know if I should show you.” Then it escalated to showing each other our private parts. He said, “Well, you’re already going to be my wife, and we will get married, so it’s OK.” Afterward, he repented to God and so did I. But he said it was still OK because I will be his wife anyway. However, I feel convicted about showing off my body. I can’t say I didn’t feel a certain type of way, but we both have the self-control to not go touching ourselves because we had both been delivered from sexual urges. Our feelings have gotten stronger spiritually, but sometimes we find ourselves talking about sex.
What advice do you have for us? Could this be a relationship to continue? We are walking with Jesus and we know we did wrong. What could we do to abstain from such conversations? Mind you, this was the first time this has happened, and I rather it not happen again.
Thank you.
Answer:
Sin is progressive. Because nothing “bad” happens when you first sinned, you become bolder to do greater sin. Thus, you started off talking sexually to each other, despite Paul’s warning: “But immorality or any impurity or greed must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints; and there must be no filthiness and silly talk, or coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks. For this you know with certainty, that no immoral or impure person or covetous man, who is an idolater, has an inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not be partakers with them” (Ephesians 5:3-7). This led to lewd behavior as you showed off your bodies to each other. The nature of sin is that this will continue to progress unless it is stopped completely.
While you state that you both repented of this sin, your explanation says differently. Your boyfriend stated that show off your bodies was okay because you are going to get married. The statement is false. Exposing yourself is not okay because you are not currently married. Future intentions don’t justify present actions. The motivation for removing clothing was sexual lust. If there was true repentance, then both the action would stop and the attitude toward the acceptableness of what was done would change (II Corinthians 7:10-11).
What I gathered from your note is that your boyfriend is the one pushing for sex. He is doing it gradually so that you accept one small compromise at a time. Notice that it was he who started talking about sex. He is the one who first pulled down his pants. And when he got you to take clothes off, it wasn’t just the backside that was shown. He is justifying his push by telling himself that since he plans on marrying you, any sexual action done in advance will be acceptable, but that same argument is going to be made in regards to sexual touching (I Corinthians 7:1) and removal of clothing when you are present in the same room. His ultimate aim is to have sex with you. Marriage is seen as a faster way to sex, but if marriage is delayed, then he will continue his push.
You need to consider that your body desires sex as well. While you intend to stay pure, you will have a hard time keeping your intentions when both your boyfriend and your body is pushing you toward sex. The only way to stop this is either he starts acting like a true Christian and drops all discussion about sex or the two of you get married (I Corinthians 7:9).