Last updated on October 26, 2020
Question
This boy came to our school during his senior year. He has completely given his life to God. He started a Bible study and we help run an association together. He used to party and have sex. He doesn’t like me, but he wants to just kiss. Yesterday we made out and rolled around together. It seems like he’s so in the moment he goes back to his past and nothing I say will stop him. I told him we shouldn’t kiss at all, but we still did. It’s not just kissing though, it’s the intimacy we should not have. It’s not because he likes me, but because I’m a girl. Is kissing him wrong? How do I maintain a strictly no kissing relationship? Why doesn’t he feel the conviction of the Holy Spirit until hours later? What do I do?
Answer:
“Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves. You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles? Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Therefore by their fruits you will know them” (Matthew 7:15-20).
When there is a difference between what a person says and what he does, you always give greater weight to his actions.
I don’t know if it is just the temptation that is making him weak or if he is not honest about his convictions. You and I can’t read another person’s mind or determine his motives. But we can look at the facts and make decisions.
You have a boy who wants to kiss a girl you are certain he doesn’t like. What does that tell you? To me, it clearly states that he is focused on the physical aspects of being with someone. While you state that he wants to just kiss, you then go on to say that you and he did more than that. His physical passion was clearly aroused. Thus, in two ways what he said and what he does do not match.
Regardless of the reason behind this, it is a dangerous situation. Any person who is sexually aroused does not think clearly. He should this in some ways by apologizing later, but the fact that he still wants to continue means he isn’t convinced that what he did was wrong. Paul said, “Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman” (I Corinthians 5:1). By touch, he is referring to sexual touch or touches designed to arouse sexual passion in a person.
Men and women look at sex differently. To a woman, sex is an expression of the relationship. To a man, sex is an act that is done. Women are often shocked to find that a man is willing and able to have sex with a woman that he doesn’t really care about, but that is because this isn’t true for most women.
If I had to guess, my suspicions are that this boy really hasn’t given up his past. He is hoping that by his actions he can arouse your physical passion enough to eventually allow sex to take place.
You are going to have to set up boundaries:
- No kissing. There is no relationship anyway, so this should be a flat “no.” If he ever does interest you as a prospective husband, then we might discuss proper etiquette between a boy and girl who like each other and are committed to reserving sex until marriage (Hebrews 13:4).
- Since he is pressing for a physical relationship, you must insist on only being with him when there are other people around. No going off to a room alone together.
If he asks why, be bluntly clear. It works better for young males. “I don’t kiss guys I’m not interested in and who are not interested in me as a person. And I’m not about to have sex with you, so we aren’t going to do things that lead up to sex either.”
Response:
Thank you so much!