Last updated on October 31, 2020
I am 18 years old. I’ve been in a relationship with my ex-boyfriend for two years. We had sex every time we meet up. Now both of us are trying to be closer to God, and he is getting better about his obsession with having sex.
Is it okay if we go separate ways or should I keep on struggling to get him back because we had sex before? I don’t want another guy to be with me in the future if I get married. Some of my friends are saying that even before marriage if he ever touches me, he becomes one with me, he can’t leave me because he had sex with me, and he has to take responsibility for it.
I’m so confused right now. I know what both of us did is sinful. I regret it. Really. I want to get back to the old me, but I know I can’t. What I should do?
You are correct that you both sinned by having sex without being married. The word for it in the Bible is “fornication,” though some of the newer translations use “sexual immorality” or just plain “immorality.” “Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge” (Hebrews 13:4).
You are also correct that you can’t reverse the clock and regain your virginity. However, you can have forgiveness for your sin by repenting of the sin. Repentance means both changing your behavior and changing your attitude toward your sin — no longer seeing the sin as acceptable. I don’t know if you have done all that God requires for your salvation, so I would like you to read through: What Must I Do to be Saved?
While sex is a physical coupling of two people, it does not create a permanent binding or obligation. This is one of the reasons why sex before marriage is wrong. See: Marriage’s Glue and Doesn’t sex create a marriage? A couple becomes one after marriage, not before. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). Notice there are three steps:
- A separation from your parents
- Joining, which is marriage
- And then becoming one flesh, which is an on-going process.
Since you are already separated, you can’t force him to come back. If you do want him back, you are more likely to succeed by taking the pressure off of him. Sometimes when a person is no longer being pressured, he stops being stubborn and sees more clearly what he is losing.
If you two do get back together, you need to seriously lay out rules for yourselves to avoid repeating your sin.