Last updated on October 30, 2020
I am a big sinner. A very big sinner. I am a girl and I’ve been masturbating and watching pornography for years. I’ve always detested it but ever since I started, I can’t stop. I’ve sent a lot of emails to ministers, prayed and fasted, cried out to God. And asked for forgiveness several times. But I still fall back. I’m sure God is even tired of all the promises and swears I made to him. Sometimes I even say he should just take my life instead of living this hell. I am tired of what I do. I need help, prayer, and deliverance. Nobody knows and I’m not willing to mention it to anybody. It is embarrassing. I’m just scared. I’ve read a lot of articles, said a lot of prayers but nothing works. My life is ruined. Will God ever forgive me? I even ask him to show me signs but I see nothing. I’m no longer prayerful because I feel like God doesn’t even listen again and because I feel like there’s no point again when I sin often. I know all I do is wrong but I’ve been trying to stop. It isn’t possible.
Please help me, I beg you.
The problem is that you start with a false assumption. “No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it” (I Corinthians 10:13). Since you assume you can’t stop, of course, you never do stop. You look for something external to make you stop and that is not possible.
“For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God” (I Thessalonians 4:3-5).
Until you decide that you are going to stop this sin because it is a sin — having nothing to do with your desires — then you will continue to be sorry for doing what you do little to nothing to stop. So quit blaming God and other people for not stopping what you are fully able to control. “The person who sins will die. The son will not bear the punishment for the father’s iniquity, nor will the father bear the punishment for the son’s iniquity; the righteousness of the righteous will be upon himself, and the wickedness of the wicked will be upon himself” (Ezekiel 18:20). All anyone can do is point out that what you are doing is wrong. The drive to change has to come from yourself.
When you do finally decide to stop, then of course God will forgive you of your past sins when you ask (I John 1:9).
“For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death. For observe this very thing, that you sorrowed in a godly manner: What diligence it produced in you, what clearing of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what vehement desire, what zeal, what vindication! In all things you proved yourselves to be clear in this matter” (II Corinthians 7:10-11).